James Dobson is pulling a Brett Favre

According to Christianity Today:
Dobson announced on his Facebook fan page that he will begin a nonprofit and radio show with his son called James Dobson on the Family, which will be based in Colorado Springs. Dobson wrote that the organization will deal with the following: marriage, child-rearing, family finances, medical and psychological concerns, national issues, the sanctity of human life, and the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
So to summarize:
  • Same host
  • Same platform
  • Same topics
  • Same media format
  • Same town
  • Same pleas for money
  • Just a different name
Dobson writes, “We are in a moral decline of shocking dimensions. I have asked myself how I can sit and watch the world go by without trying to help if I can.”

Well, Dr., if the retirement was a bad idea, why didn't you just go back to the ministry that you already have going? Why build a new one that competes with it? What aren't you telling us here?

The Purpose Driven Offering

According to the Orange County Register, Rick Warren asked his flock to cough up nearly $1 million in just two days to keep the church out of the red.

“Dear Saddleback Family,” begins today’s missive from Warren. “THIS IS AN URGENT LETTER unlike any I’ve written in 30 years. Please read all of it and get back to me in the next 48 hours.

“I have thrilling news to share with you below but first some seriously bad news: With 10% of our church family out of work due to the recession, our expenses in caring for our community in 2009 rose dramatically while our income stagnated. Still, with wise management, we’ve stayed close to our budget all year. Then… this last weekend the bottom dropped out.

“On the last weekend of 2009, our total offerings were less than half of what we normally receive - leaving us $900,000 in the red for the year, unless you help make up the difference today and tomorrow.”
Saddleback Church doesn't make public its financial records, but apparently it sends a letter when last weekend's offering didn't foot the bill.

Hey, at least he didn't say God would take him home if he didn't raise the money.

Jesus Kicked out of Court

Woman named Jesus Christ called for Jefferson County jury duty

By Erin Stock -- The Birmingham News

Jesus Christ was called for jury duty this week in Jefferson County.

Court officials were skeptical at first when on Monday a potential juror submitted a name change form with "Jesus Christ" on it. But the 59-year-old Birmingham woman, who previously went by Dorothy Lola Killingworth, assured the presiding judge that was her name.

"It raised eyebrows, so I asked her if that were truly her name," Circuit Court Judge Scott Vowell said. "She assured me that it was. She had her name changed in the Probate Court, and she presented her driver's license."

Christ was sent to Judge Clyde Jones's courtroom for a criminal case. She was excused because she was disruptive, court officials said. Instead of answering questions, she was asking them, a court employee in Jones's office said.

Efforts to reach Christ today were unsuccessful.

Court administrator Sandra Turner said she and others in the jury assembly room were somewhat shocked at first when the woman insisted Christ was her name. And when her name was called, several potential jurors laughed out loud.

Unlike some Jefferson County residents, Christ did not try to get out of jury duty, Turner said.

"She was perfectly happy to serve," said Turner.

How to Iron out your Faith


From The Eagle Tribune in North Andover, MA.
Mary Jo Coady walked into her daughter's bedroom Sunday afternoon and noticed a familiar image on the bottom of an iron sitting on the floor.

"I see his eyes, his nose, his whole face and I was like, 'That's Jesus looking at us,'" Coady said.

The rust-colored residue on the bottom of the iron strikes a remarkable resemblance to Jesus Christ. For the 44-year-old secretary who was raised Catholic, the image reaffirmed her faith at a time when she has separated from her husband, had her hours cut at work, and moved out of a house she owned and started renting a home where she now lives with her two college-age daughters.

"It just gave me a sign that life is going to be good," Coady said. "I think he's listening."

Coady said she hopes her story will lift other people's spirits in time for the holidays. Her daughters — Melody, a 21-year-old student at Northern Essex Community College, and Alison, a 20-year-old student at Merrimack College — aren't ones to overreact to an iron.

"They wouldn't believe this if it hit them in the head, and they were like, 'Mom, that's Jesus looking at us,'" Coady said.
My kids would see religious images on our iron, in our mop strings, and in the corner cobwebs too, if they thought it was going to keep them from chores or doing the laundry.

Who said this, Jesus or Obama?

A majority of US adults wrongly believe that a Bible verse on caring for the poor and the oppressed was first coined by celebrities, politicians or other prominent figures including President Barack Obama, Oprah Winfrey, Bono and Angelina Jolie.

Only 13 per cent of Americans surveyed for the American Bible Society were able to correctly credit the Bible as the source of Proverbs 31:8-9, the Contemporary English Version of which states: “You must defend those who are helpless and have no hope. Be fair and give justice to the poor and homeless.”

Fifty-four per cent, meanwhile, credited the passage to other sources, with President Obama cited as the most likely author by Americans (16 per cent). Behind Obama, the Dalai Lama was cited as the most likely author by survey participants (nine per cent), followed by Martin Luther King Jr (eight per cent), Oprah Winfrey (four per cent), and U2 frontman Bono (three per cent).

Other findings of the Harris Interactive survey included the percentage of adults claiming to be familiar with the Bible (80 per cent) and the percentage adults who think the Bible offers the most teachings on heaven, hell, adultery, pride or jealousy (46 per cent).

The survey also found that one in four men (23 per cent) do not think it is their responsibility to help the poor though there are more teachings on poverty and justice than on heaven, hell, adultery, pride or jealousy.

-adapted from Joshua A Goldberg, Christian Post

Reimbursement for Prayers

I don't know what you believe about the healing attributes of prayer.

I don't know what you think about compensating professional ministers.

I don't know where you side with the current debate over healthcare reform.

But I do hope, dear reader, that you agree with me that the Christian Scientists have crossed a line. They are are pushing a proposal that would help patients pay their ministers for prayers of healing by having insurers reimburse the $20 to $40 cost.

Yep, that is right. They pray for you and then bill your insurance (or the Government, if the public option goes through) and get a check at the end of the month.

Church as business. Once again, Jesus weeps.

Thanks to faithful reader, Rocky, who pointed out this Washington Post article.

Can Christians say the F Word?

A tattooed blogger from Portland, Oregon named Pam had the audacity to suggest in her blog that sometimes Christians may need to need emote a curse word in order to really get to the core of their cause.
Authenticity has become a well-worn word. And also transparency, realness, honesty, and the almighty F bomb...F*ck. Yes. Just about every angsty, disaffected Christ follower I meet ends up reaching deep down into their vocabulary bag as they search for the right words to describe their divorce from traditional church. The F word, apparently, is just the right word to say outloud with emotive force what has been pent up and brewing for years, and even decades, for some folks.

The F word has unwittingly become the rebel yell for those men and women who find themselves at odds with church culture. Outlaws and sailors need to make room for disillusioned Jesus Freaks to grab an F bomb and hurl it at the stained-glass. windows
Are you serious, Pam? Do you really think that a writer who was truly full of the Holy Spirit would be so angry at religiosity that they would hurl an offensive comment to someone else? It's not like the Apostle Paul ever got so angry at the legalists that he told them to go cut off their balls. Oh wait...

Well it's not like Jesus ever got so mad that in the temple that he ever through a tantrum, yelling at people and throwing their belongings around. Oh wait...

Crap. Maybe we sometimes forget what actually makes Jesus upset.

Where Jesus would live if not for Heaven



The Squirrel just found him a new neighborhood full of nuts!

Wii Pray - Play Now To Earn Grace Points

Now I know what to get my Catholic friends for Christmas.



Click here to go to the Mass We Pray website.

No Application, No Attendance at Mel Gibson's Church

Mel Gibson has a church about as weird as Tom Cruise. In order to attend you must fill out an application so that your name can appear on the invitation and security list. Most churches try to get as many people into their sanctuary as they can. But apparently Holy Family Chapel delights in keeping any unholy riffraff out.

This JoS vote will go to "hype" as we think Mel is thinking just a bit too high of himself in this matter. Just because you directed Jesus in a film doesn't mean you get to call the shots as to who is in the Kingdom.

Only one word for you, Mel, "FREEDOM!"

[link to the application]

Best quotes of the week from Carrie Prejean

From a conversation with Christianity Today. The Squirrel's comments follow each quote.

  • “I have hairdressers who are gay. I live in California.”

    Aren't you just the tolerant one?

  • “I know I've impacted other people, especially my generation. I think my generation is apathetic.”

    And most of your generation thinks you’re pathetic.

  • “I don't see anywhere in the Bible where it says you shouldn't get breast implants.”

    The Bible apparently doesn’t say anything about sex tapes or sexting either.

  • “If people want to judge me and say that I'm not a good person because of something I did when I was young, that's their problem.”

    [Crickets chirping]
  • "We as Christians need to stick together and realize that the Enemy is powerful, and that there are so many people out there who will try and destroy good people. It's a crazy world, that's all I can say."

    Crazy is as crazy does.
  • “Hopefully mothers can hear my story and check their daughters' cell phones and Facebook pages.”

    Would better policing have stopped your bad behavior, Carrie? There has got to be more to learn from your story than that.

Since Carrie, like the Saturday Night Live Church Lady, blames Satan (the enemy) for the opposition she has faced, we will give him the vote for this JoS entry.

The Tribulation Stats Tomorrow!


Three reasons not to click on the link to THE RAPTURE site:
  • It will hurt your eyes.
  • It is longer than Dickens
  • It will destroy the brain cells God gave you.
Here is a sample:
8 reasons for the start of: “God’s Wrath Tribulation”;

By end of FALL 2009:

1. The Bible code and a number of other prophecies predict that a comet will annihilate the earth in the year 2012. In the book of Revelation the bible describes a comet hitting the earth after the 3-½ year mid point of the 7-year tribulation period. This occurs after the Antichrist enters the new rebuilt temple in Jerusalem proclaims that he is the Lord and demands the world to accept his mark in order to buy or sell. When this happens the Lord releases Hell on earth! If you add 3 ½ years from November 2008, that takes you to the year 2012.

2. It has been a generation (40 years) from the date that Israel once again gained control of Jerusalem after 2,000 years during the 6 day war of 1967. We are also coming up on the 6th decade anniversary (60 years) of when Israel became a nation. Jesus said that the generation that sees the rebirth of Israel would see His return. When he comes back to earth after the 7-year tribulation, it would be (67 years) well within a modern generation of (70 years).

3. Experts are predicting a “complete global economic collapse starting by FALL 2009”! This is a complete economic collapse (both stock market and banking collapse) that will start the 7-year tribulation period.

4. Global food supply is near the breaking point and out the lowest level in 30 years! The world demand for food now out strips what the farmers can grow! To make matters worse, the Honeybees are dying off! One-third of the human diet comes from insect-pollinated plants, and the honeybee is responsible for 80 percent of that pollination. Experts are predicting food shortages by the spring of 2009.

5. Drought is at an epidemic level, worldwide! China, Australia, and even states in the United States are reporting lake and river levels lower than records have been kept (some going back over 160 years)! Where there is drought, food shortages will soon follow.

6. Jesus said that before his return that earthquakes, travel, and knowledge would increase. In the last 100 years each of these have been increasing at an exponential rate!

7. President George W. Bush has announced that there will be a peace treaty dividing up Jerusalem before his term expires in early 2009. The bible predicts that the 7-year tribulation will begin in conjunction with the signing of a 7-year peace treaty. All of these factors and the ones listed below are coming together simultaneously to produce the “perfect storm” of the 7-year tribulation starting by FALL 2009.

8. 2008/2009 is the end of the biblical 490-year cycle and the war of Gog and Magog--Ezekiel 38 & 39 is prophesied to happen this year.
I wish they'd agree to take down their website when all of their predictions don't take place by the end of autumn. Instead I'm sure they will find several more biblical interpretations to why 2010 is the real tribulation.

Jesus gave us the name of the Anti-Christ – Barack Obama



The Squirrel just shakes his furry, little head in dismay at those people who give this kind of Bible study a second, deranged thought.

Real Christians Read Greek



This is one of The Squirrel's favorite songs!

The Best of Late Night Christian TV Shows

The Squirrel has been known to watch late night Christian programming, chattering incoherently and throwing nuts at the screen. See for yourself.


Props to Darrin Patrick at Monday Morning Insight for this video.

You Get What You Pray/Pay For

From the files of Ministry Manipulation...
Real Ministers, Real Prayers, Real Results
Recent studies have indicated that the more people praying for the same objective, the more likely the Holy Spirit will perform the will of the people! The key to successful prayer is to ensure others are performing the same prayer and that those performing the prayer have a deep, spiritual connection with God. Our Prayers for You connects your prayer requests with ordained ministers who will devote the proper divine attention to your request. We guarantee our ministers will have a deep, spiritual conversation with God regarding your request.

Why do I need to donate for a prayer?
Our ministers spend their entire day conducting deeply spiritual prayers on behalf of thousands of people just like you! They live very modest lives so they do not ask for much. But your generous support allows them to continue helping others in times of need and crisis. Bless you for your support.

Where do I send my prayer request details?
After selecting your prayer request kindly email us at info@ourprayersforyou.com with the details of your prayer request, be sure to include your order number so we can properly match the prayer request.
How about all of the JoS readers pray that this pseudo-ministry goes as bankrupt as their theology? - Free!

New Church Growth Concept- Invite Dogs to the Service

USA Today

Every week, Covenant Presbyterian Church in Los Angeles holds "Canines at Covenant," a service for dogs and their owners, featuring dog treats, dog beds, prayers for pets and even special music, such as "GoD and DoG" (see video below).

"I don't have any kids, so my pets have always been my children, so it does mean a lot," Emma Sczesniak told the Associated Press. Accompanied by her Dachshund-terrier mix and black Lab, she said that though she'd fallen away from church, the dog-friendly service "might push me into it."

Laura Hobgood-Oster, a religion professor at Southwestern University, says she's heard of a half-dozen pet-friendly services in the U.S. -- for instance, "Woof 'n' Worship" held at Pilgrim Congregational Church outside of Boston -- though traditionally Christians believe only humans have redeemable souls.
The Squirrel finds this act reprehensible. He's afraid that the dogs will leave their offerings on the church lawn.

Send a Buffalo to India for Christmas! Wait. What?

According to Christian Today:
British families have helped send buffaloes to impoverished families in India by meeting Operation Mobilisation’s challenge to spend less at Christmas.

The ‘Just Christmas’ campaign is the brainchild of an Edinburgh church and was first launched nationwide by OM in 2008 to great success. OM said several buffaloes had already been sent following the recent launch of this year's campaign.

The campaign encourages individuals, families and whole churches to rediscover the true spirit of Christmas by replacing gifts with practical acts of kindness and pooling the money that they save to bring joy and hope to a poor family.

This year’s campaign focus is to send buffaloes to oppressed Dalit families in India, who are often denied access to well paid jobs. They can sell the buffalo’s highly prized milk to gain some much needed income.
Wait a minute!
  • They worship cows in India, don't they? What will a poor family do with a buffalo? They certainly won't eat it. Maybe they can charge their neighbors to see the beast.
  • Have you ever tried to milk a buffalo? This impoverished family is just going to get tossed around from trying to milk them. Then they will have hospital bills on top of their poverty.
  • How again is this the true meaning of Christmas? God sends Baby Jesus to the Bethlehem and the British send bison to Bombay?

Ringo Starr Competing with Jesus' Popularity


RESEARCHERS at Duke University, North Carolina, have spotted Ringo Starr’s face into water droplets hitting a leaf.

James Dacey, a reporter for Physics World, writes:

“Bizarrely, everybody’s favourite mop-topped Liverpudlian seems to reveal himself in the high-speed photo images of water-droplets being ejected from the leaf surface.”
Stay tuned. I'm sure Jesus will turn up again to even the score.

How to Know if Jesus Wants your Truck


JOHNSON CITY, Tenn. — Jim Stevens said he's not particularly religious and is clueless about why an image resembling Jesus Christ keeps appearing on his pickup. Stevens, of Jonesborough, said nearly every morning, an image that looks to him like the face of Jesus Christ has appeared in the condensation on the driver's side window of his Isuzu truck. A Johnson City Press photo of the truck showed a facial image.

Stevens said when he first saw the image, he figured it would evaporate and not return. But it kept reappearing for two weeks now.

Stevens said folks at the grocery store he goes to were amazed to see the image.

He said he isn't going to wash the truck for a while.

Information from: Johnson City Press
I'd sell the truck, Jim, quickly to one of his hyped up followers. Then you could buy an American truck- cause we all know that is what Jesus would really drive.

Publishing for Prudes and Protestants


One Christian publisher has created the following list of terms that are forbidden to be used in a Christian, romance novel. (Thanks to Jason Boyett who posted these on his blog.) Apparently we are never to refer to our undergarments, Mike, or Catholic neighbors.

I'm considering taping the list to my kids' bedroom doors as a guideline for their language/behavior as well. That will work, right?
Terms that cannot be used in a Christian novel:
  • Arousal
  • Bastard
  • Bet/betting
  • Bishop
  • Bra
  • Breast (except for breast cancer if necessary)
  • Buttocks or butt (alternatively, you can say derriere or backside)
  • Crap
  • Damn (try "blast" instead)
  • Darn
  • Dern/durn
  • Devil (except in the religious sense, but the circumstances would be rare)
  • Dang or Dagnabbit
  • Doody
  • Father (when used to describe a religious official)
  • Fiend
  • For heaven's sake (can use "for goodness' sake" instead)
  • For the love of Mike
  • For Pete's sake
  • Gee
  • Geez/jeez (but "sheesh" is acceptable)
  • Gosh
  • Golly
  • Halloween
  • Harlot
  • Heat (when used to describe kisses)
  • Heck
  • Hell (except in the religious sense, but this would be rare)
  • Holy cow
  • Hot/hottie
  • Hunk
  • Need/hunger (when used to describe non-food-focused state of being)
  • Pee
  • Poop
  • Panties
  • Passion
  • Priest
  • Sexy
  • Sex
  • Sexual attraction
  • Tempting (as applied to the opposite sex)
  • St. [name of saint]
  • Swear, as in "I swear..." - Christian characters are not supposed to swear.
  • Undergarments - of any kind
  • Whore
The following are allowed only in the context mentioned:
  • Angel - only when used in a Biblical context
  • Miracle - only when used in a Biblical context
  • Oh my God/Oh, God - ONLY allowed when it's clearly part of a prayer
  • Heavenly - only when used in a Biblical context
  • Although you can say “He cursed” or mention cursing, do not overuse. Furthermore, only non-Christian characters can curse.
Situations to be avoided:
  • Kissing below the neck
  • Visible signs or discussions of arousal or sexual attraction or being out of control
  • Double entendre
  • Nudity - people changing clothes "on screen" or any character clad only in a towel
  • Hero and heroine sleeping in the same house without a third party, even if they're not sleeping together or in the same room
  • Also, Christian characters should not smoke, drink, gamble, play cards or dance (except in historical novels they may dance but please limit to square dances and balls, no “sexy” dancing like waltzing cheek to cheek), and terms associated with these activities should only be used in connection with bad guys or disapproving of them or such.
  • Bodily functions, like going to the bathroom, should be mentioned as little as possible and some euphemism may be necessary but we don't want to sound quaint or absurd.

Virtual Friendships Don't Matter Do They?

I dare you to watch this video.



Maybe Jesus wouldn't have pulled these two out on stage for a commercial in front of lights, cameras, and thousands of people, but I'm pretty sure he was smiling at Jimmy and Mark in this moment nonetheless.

How to Worship God Effectively

...or at least to appear to.

Halloween Candy is Evil, and other Prophetic Insights

Charisma Magazine and Pat Robertson both ran an article by Kimberly Daniels about the evils of Halloween. Daniels is "a sought-after conference speaker and preacher" and "a recognized prophetic voice." Here is a sample of her warnings which Charisma labeled as "Prophetic Insight."
During this period demons are assigned against those who participate in the rituals and festivities. These demons are automatically drawn to the fetishes that open doors for them to come into the lives of human beings. For example, most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches.

I do not buy candy during the Halloween season. Curses are sent through the tricks and treats of the innocent whether they get it by going door to door or by purchasing it from the local grocery store. The demons cannot tell the difference.

Even the colors of Halloween (orange, brown and dark red) are dedicated. These colors are connected to the fall equinox, which is around the 20th or 21st of September each year and is sometimes called "Mabon." During this season witches are celebrating the changing of the seasons from summer to fall. They give praise to the gods for the demonic harvest. They pray to the gods of the elements (air, fire, water and earth).

Mother earth is highly celebrated during the fall demonic harvest. Witches praise mother earth by bringing her fruits, nuts and herbs. Demons are loosed during these acts of worship. When nice church folk lay out their pumpkins on the church lawn, fill their baskets with nuts and herbs, and fire up their bonfires, the demons get busy. They have no respect for the church grounds. They respect only the sacrifice and do not care if it comes from believers or non-believers.
You can read the more of her nonsense here.

Please remember that if you love Jesus that you must not do the following:
  • Buy candy
  • Eat candy
  • Pray about candy
  • Open your door
  • Say, "Trick or Treat"
  • Leave pumpkins outside
  • Wear a costume
  • Wear the colors orange, brown (sorry Cleveland fans) and dark red
  • Warm yourself to a fire on church grounds (please remember it only takes a spark)
  • Be thankful for the harvest (It will be okay to do this in November. Thanksgiving is a Christian holiday celebrated by Jesus since he was little.)
Come back next week when Daniels will explain to us the evils of eating Gay candy and present a new list of banned treats, including:
  • Mike & Ikes
  • Almond Joy
  • Pixy Stix

Trick or Tract

If you are really a squirrel, make sure to give out BOO chick tracks instead of candy to the small, impressionable children come to your door for Halloween. It actually doesn't matter that the content isn't true. It is better to scare the children into a saying a sinner's prayer than it is letting them celebrate Satan's birthday.





Who Needs Jesus When You Have Bishop Tamaki?

I don't normally post articles this long, but when you see a huge locomotive being derailed it's really hard to turn away from the inevitable wreck.
Tamaki's 700 'sons' swear oath of loyalty
By Garth George
nzherald.co.nz

EXCLUSIVE - The leader of Destiny Church, Brian Tamaki, who not long ago anointed himself bishop of the church he founded, has now proclaimed himself the church's "spiritual father" and designated the male members of the church as "spiritual sons".

At a special service during the church's annual conference in Auckland at the weekend, about 700 male members of the church swore a "covenant oath" of loyalty and obedience to Mr Tamaki and were given a "covenant ring" to wear on their right hands.

A church document describes the covenant as "a solemn oath of commitment that is binding, enduring and unbreakable. You are bound to covenant ... Covenant is an irrevocable, undissolvable oath of commitment".

The document, entitled Protocols and Requirements Between Spiritual Father & His Spiritual Sons, contains the text of the "covenant oath", the guts of which is that "Above all, we stand here today in the presence of God to enter into this sacred covenant with our man of God, Bishop Brian Tamaki".

It says: "To you Bishop we pledge our allegiance, our faithfulness and loyalty. We pledge to serve the cause that is in your heart and to finish that work. Success to you and success to those who help you - for God is with you."

In its introduction, the church document says that proof of a man's covenant with God is how they "submit to God's chosen man ... We are blessed to our spiritual father through whom this principle is being restored. The fruit of his ministry is self-evident, so much so that his call and influence is discerned at many levels in both the Christian and non-Christian communities here in New Zealand ... Spiritual fathers are extremely rare ... For us it is about discerning the special anointing and function God has put on Bishop's life ... "

The requirements of sonship, the document says, are to give Mr Tamaki obedience and honour, to imitate him and follow his faith and to give him "your loyalty and your strength".

A church statement last night said the initiative was launched by Bishop Tamaki.

He said the covenant ceremony was witnessed by several thousand church-goers, and marked the culmination of a six-month programme aimed at "helping men to become better husbands and fathers and standout contributors to local community".

The Destiny Church statement said many of the men had emerged from social dysfunction, crime, alcohol or drug-related problems and domestic violence to become functional members of society.

Protocols

In the document comes a section entitled "Protocols towards our spiritual father", which takes 1300 words to describe in jaw-dropping detail how the "spiritual sons" shall behave towards their "spiritual father".

Under "Public Conduct", the sons will in all conversation always speak of Mr Tamaki in a favourable and positive light; and in formal and/or public occasions, they will always address him and his wife, Hannah, first in acknowledgments and addresses at meetings "as a sign of respect to the father of the movement".

If any "son" is honoured either by the church or secularly, he is to mention his "mentors and role models" - Mr and Mrs Tamaki - "because Bishop is one of God's best-known representatives in our country".

Under "Conduct Towards Bishop", the "sons" are told that "Bishop is the tangible expression of God", so they need to understand how to properly approach their man of God "to protect the anointing and not transgress this special relationship".

They are always to be respectful and honourable in Mr Tamaki's presence. "Even though he is very sociable and open - remember who he is!" They must never be "in his face" and must protect him from outsiders who attempt to do that.

They must ensure that Mr Tamaki and his wife are both honoured, cared for and given appropriate respect. "Bishop is a people person. Often it is better we offend others than him."

And since "Bishop carries our vision and our anointing for the future and hope of our families and offspring, we ought to guard, protect and watch out for him and Ps [Pastor] Hannah".

Under "Discernment", the "sons" are told they must "feel Bishop's flow and be attentive to his thoughts and directions", which "gives unity and power to what God is saying and doing through him".

They must endorse what Mr Tamaki endorses, fully support what he promotes and ensure that what he is involved in is supported and successful.

"Whenever Bishop speaks all other talking stops: give him your full attention. Be careful not to cut in on him when he is speaking and ensure others don't either.

"Don't start talking or gesturing to somebody else while Bishop is speaking."

The "sons" must never openly disagree with Mr Tamaki in front of others and must "be careful not to become familiar (which can lead to contempt)" with him "due to his friendliness and openness".

Under "Etiquette", the "sons" are told that when Mr Tamaki and his wife enter a room, they must stand and acknowledge their presence. They may sit only after the Tamakis are seated.

And if they dine with him they wait until he has started eating before they start eating, unless he indicates otherwise.

Vocal

Under "Church Service (in house) Protocols" the men are encouraged to sit as close as possible to the front of the church to be nearer to Mr Tamaki and to be vocal during his preaching, affirming what he has to say with "amen" and "that's right", clapping, shouting and laughing. This sort of participation is said to build "an atmosphere that is conducive to supernatural events".

They are told to bring Bible, pen, paper or laptop to note down Mr Tamaki's sermons which "shows how highly you value the Word of God from Bishop's mouth".

They should come to church anticipating that God will speak through Mr Tamaki and should always be dressed well at all meetings with him. "His dress code is your dress code." They should also look happy and smile and be friendly to all and encourage people.

Under "Supporting Bishop's Function & Ministry", the "sons" are encouraged to find out Mr Tamaki's speaking itinerary and travel to other churches and engagements to support him, because a team of men around their bishop "reflects his importance to them".

They must never tolerate anyone (regardless of who they are) speaking or talking critically of Mr Tamaki and his wife/family or the church. "You are not only to stop them in their tracks but warn them that they criticise you when they criticise Bishop."

They should celebrate Mr Tamaki's special occasions with him with surprises on birthdays, anniversaries and special occasions or achievements.

"Don't wait for others to do it. It is a sign of your love and respect for him: at times give gifts to him and/or Ps Hannah. A gift means many things - love, honour and blessing them: they will feel appreciated."

The men are exhorted to be protective of Mr Tamaki and his family. The protocol says he "will be more criticised, scrutinised and demonised than most others because of who he is and what he carries".

"You will hear all sorts of statements and opinions but you must be prepared to ignore them and consistently hold him in the same high regard no matter what you hear."

Somewhat surprisingly, the protocol says that Mr Tamaki is human and does make mistakes.

However, the sons must "be prepared to defend against any problems arising out of his mistakes.

A loyal man is supposed to 'cushion' the effect of a mistake on Bishop and to protect him. NEVER intentionally expose his weakness."

It says Mr Tamaki may downplay and even discourage "sons" in overtly honouring him, "BUT that should never stop the men from doing what is honourable and what is in their heart to do".

"The bishop's discomfort with honour should never rob the people of the spiritual rewards for such honourable and respectful actions towards him.

It is appropriate, says the protocol, for men to tell others of their love for Mr Tamaki, who is "one of the most well-known representatives of God in our country". The "sons" must reinforce and emphasise what he says and preaches and quote him as often as possible in favourable terms.
I'm sure the bishop will soon be serving Koolaid to help his loyal followers choke down his covenant crackers.

When You are Sick, it is Jesus Spanking You

Unfortunate Sunday School Signs






Are You a Pastor?

Are You a Pastor?” the ad on the side of my Facebook wall asked.

“Why does Facebook want to know that,” I wonder. There is picture of an award certificate with smaller print underneath. I read on.

“Get recognized for your accomplishments with a free certificate of recognition.”

“This can’t be real,” I sigh, painfully realizing somebody wouldn’t be paying for an ad like this unless pastors, like me, were clicking on it.

I had to see where it went; to see who was preying on us insecure, religious men. I clicked.
Promote your accomplishments with a Free Online Profile and Certificate of Recognition!
As an approved society member, you will gain access to our digital platform, which provides exposure and ensures that your accomplishments are formally recorded and publicly acknowledged. You will also be eligible to receive a personalized Certificate of Recognition. Other member benefits include: a laser engraved wall plaque, a press release detailing your accomplishments, a personalized web page and inclusion in our prestigious directory.
Well, I guess if you weren’t honored enough during Pastor Appreciation Month, now you can take matters into your own hands and make sure you are recognized, your accomplishments recorded, your crowns bestowed.

God help us.

Using Jesus to Sell Your Website

Is your website planted in Good Soil?

Did you know that you could produce more fruit with your church Website?

Did you know that the company, Site Organic knows how to build websites the way God intended?

Apparently your site will please the Almighty if it is using Solid Rock Hosting, the popular Ministry Content Management System, and Intelligent Design – all provided by Site Organic. And if you are pleasing God then you will bear more fruit—not sure if that is financial blessings, more people in your tabernacle, or literal bananas, but Site Organic promises more fruit.

Yes, fruity, fruit from organic, good soil. Some 30, some 60, some 100 fold.

Please tell them The Squirrel sent you. Maybe you’ll get more nuts too.

Bible and Book Burning on Halloween


Tired of the same old "Harvest Party" at your church while all the heathens are collecting candy? Instead of hosting a hayride, why not do what this church is doing to pursue purity.

On October 31st, 2009 starting at 7:00 pm the Amazing Grace Baptist Church in Canton, NJ will be starting a bonfire to burn all the perversions of God's Word they can find. Who knows, with a burn list as long as they have, they might be continue to be hot and bothered until the 2nd Coming.

Here is more from their invite:

"We are burning Satan's bibles like the NIV, RSV, NKJV, TLB, NASB, NEV, NRSV, ASV, NWT, Good News for Modern Man, The Evidence Bible, The Message Bible, The Green Bible, ect. These are perversions of God's Word the King James Bible.

We will also be burning Satan's music such as country , rap , rock , pop, heavy metal, western, soft and easy, southern gospel , contempory Christian , jazz, soul, oldies but goldies, etc.

We will also be burning Satan's popular books written by heretics like Westcott & Hort , Bruce Metzger, Billy Graham , Rick Warren , Bill Hybels , John McArthur, James Dobson, Charles Swindoll , John Piper, Chuck Colson, Tony Evans, Oral Roberts, Jimmy Swagart, Mark Driskol, Franklin Graham , Bill Bright, Tim Lahaye, Paula White, T.D. Jakes, Benny Hinn , Joyce Myers, Brian McLaren, Robert Schuller, Mother Teresa , The Pope , Rob Bell, Erwin McManus, Donald Miller, Shane Claiborne, Brennan Manning, William Young, etc.

The Scriptural bases for what we are doing each year is found in Acts 19:18-20 "And many that believed came, and confessed, and shewed their deeds. Many of them also which used curious arts brought their books together, and burned them before all men: and they counted the price of them, and found it fifty thousand pieces of silver. So mightily grew the word of God and prevailed."

It's not all hell fire and damnation though. At least their menu sounds appetizing.

"We will be serving Bar-b-Que Chicken, fried chicken, and all the sides."

How to Evangelize a Bear

A priest, a minister and a rabbi all want to see who's best at his job. They go into the woods to each find a bear and try to convert it to their particular religion.

Later, they gather back together. The priest says, "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water."

And the minister says, "I found a bear by the stream. I preached God's holy word to him. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him."

And they both looked down at the rabbi, who's laying on a gurney in a body cast. And they said, "What happened?"

And the rabbi said, "I never should have started with the circumcision..."

The New Role Model for Christian Lawyers

From a press release:
Today FRC Action, the legislative lobbying arm of Family Research Council, announced that former Miss California Carrie Prejean will appear at FRC Action's fourth annual Values Voter Summit. Ms. Prejean gained national prominence when she defended traditionalone-man, one-woman marriage at the Miss USA Pageant. Ms. Prejean will speak about her experiences over the last year as she has become a role model.

Really? For what?-saying that it was God's plan for her to give up the Miss California crown and then later deciding to sue the pageant? No wonder she is linking up with the lawyers. Great doublespeak.

This Pastor Hates The President

My Favorite Bible Story

Something tells me these godless Twitterers need to go back to Sunday School. When asked what their favorite Bible story was they said…
@dtatusko: when Paul said, tithe in order to support the church's property, labor, and per capita costs.

@dtatusko: the one where David is in a monogamous one man one woman biblical relationship.

@mwms: is the one where Jesus approaches the moneychangers in the temple to thank them for the good work they're doing

@GayRainArmy: where Jesus is hanging on the cross and he says, "My God this would make a fabulous necklace!"

@KnowTea: Call me a traditionalist, but my favorite Bible story is still the one about the footprints on the beach . . .

@dtatusko: in Luke 10 Jesus tells the 70 to go and give the people a four-step plan to get into heaven.

@gayrainarmy: is the one where Jesus fed 5,000 from one boys lunch & the GOP got pissy over redistribution of income.

@GayRainArmy: is where Jesus changes Simon's name to 'Peter' because he's tired of the disciples playing "Simon Says" all damn day

@dtatusko: the one where Jesus said, the kingdom of heaven is like a large empire...

@dtatusko: My favorite Bible story is the beatitudes: Blessed are the materially wealthy for they have been given theLord's favor.

@shuckandjive: I like the one where Noah forgets to bring food on the ark and eats the dinosaurs.

@GayRainArmy: the one where Job loses absolutely everything and his friend Lou Dobbs blames it on the Mexicans.

@GayRainArmy: the one where God tells Peter "do not call unclean that which I have made clean" and Peter leaves the church.

@loveandgluttony: is the one where Jesus goes up to the mountaintop and says "Hey! I can see Russia from here!"

Those aren't in the Bible... That's The Squirrel.

The Red Pen – Critical, Religious Analysis

Like “Jesus or Squirrel” there are other websites that have witty and thought provoking commentaty about American Christian-ism as it is being marketed in the mass media. Then there are other blogs that take criticism to a whole new level. The Red Pen is one of those sites, in my critical opinion.

Chris Jensen is a self proclaimed “fundamentalist Bible-believing Christian” who feels that most Christian authors “are well-intended, but that they are writing more to what they believe people desire to hear than what God might think of their teachings.” What should be done about it? Well, Jensen is on a mission from God to clean up this mess. Comparing himself to David going up against the terrible Philistine Goliath who was dragging God’s name in the mud, Jensen is going to put an end to the current day’s giants’ offenses—apparently like David, also by throwing stones.
Think of this blog as though it were a sling in my hands, and the analyses you read here to be like smooth stones hurled faithfully toward their targets. What are the targets? The targets are those recent texts that have, to a degree, misled believers and impaired their walk with Jesus Christ.

So with the following verse as his mission statement “For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but after their own lusts shall they heap to themselves teachers, having itching ears…” (2 Timothy 3:16, ESV) Jensen goes after his first two big offenders, Rick Warren and Rob Bell. An example of his analysis is below where he takes issue with the title of Rob Bell’s book, Jesus Wants to Save Christians: A Manifesto for the Church in Exile:
Your title implies that Christians aren’t saved. This is, of course, a biblical impossibility. Jesus taught that many who consider themselves to be Christians would not enter the kingdom of Heaven.

“Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven.” Matthew 7:21 (NKJV)

Christ is clearly referring here to those who are not truly “Christians” according to the biblical definition of the term. Unclear in an attempt to sound bold and provocative.

wow. brilliant. thank God for this correction. my ears were soooo being ticked.

If you want your favorite Christian authors scrutinized by The Red Pen so they line up without compromise to Jensen’s interpretation of scripture, contact him directly at teacher@redpen.org. You can contribute financially to him by sending money to his P.O box.

As for me, I think I’ll rely on the Holy Spirit to speak to me of what is real and what is man-made religion:
As for you, the anointing you received from him remains in you, and you do not need anyone to teach you. But as his anointing teaches you about all things and as that anointing is real, not counterfeit--just as it has taught you, remain in him. (1 John 2:27 NIV)

Don’t Let Your Pets be Left Behind Alone!

Do you have your End-Times theology all wrapped up in a pretty Pre-Trib Rapture? Have you thought what might happen to your pets when you hit the celestial trail? Worry no more! For a mere $110 your pet can be cared for by a certified atheist who has no hopes of hearing the trumpet call.

Eternal Earth-Bound Pets, USA is the next best thing to pet salvation in a post Rapture world. They have active services in 20 states and expect to more to follow. They guarantee that for 10 years after the receipt of payment, one pet per residence will be rescued after the Second Coming from a God-less, animal activists. Additional pets can be added to the plan for a mere $15. Currently only dogs, cats, birds, rabbits, and small caged mammals can be covered by the plan.

Click to their website for your and your pet’s eternal peace of mind.

What Computer Would Jesus Use?


Obviously Photoshopped on a Mac by a Mac user, thus the "religion" tag.

God Sent a Tornado to Warn Lutherans

John Piper, a well known theologian and senior pastor at Bethlehem Baptist Church in Minnesota, blogged that this week’s tornado in Minneapolis was a result of the discussion about homosexuality at the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America's national convention in Minneapolis. The tornado damaged the steeple of a local, Lutheran church near the convention center where the ELCA was meeting.

On Piper’s blog he knits together the weather, the timing, history and scripture to conclude that God was warning the ELCA away from the approval of sin. You can read his full apologetic here.

This kind of pronouncement makes one remember when Pat Robertson said the hurricanes in Louisiana were God’s judgment against sexually-loose New Orleans (God must have sent Rita when Katrina didn’t do enough damage with the first strike), and when Jerry Falwell said the 9/11 disaster was the fault of pagans, abortionists, feminists, gays and lesbians.

Groups within the ELCA tried to spin the weather phenomenon to their own point of view on the debate- either as God’s anger or the mighty rushing wind of the Holy Spirit.

All I can says is God help the fat Baptists the next time they gather for an accord, and the gossiping Pentecostals at their next convention. Maybe all of our major denominations should consider hiring for the role of prophetic meteorologist.

Then on second thought, didn’t Jesus already make a final, public statement regarding sin from the cross (which also included a freakish weather storm)? Is the sign he hangs in the sky one of judgment or one of promise? Just asking.

Dennys Discounts for Going to Church

A Denny’s restaurant in Texas is offering a 10% discount to customers if they bring in the most recent copy of their church’s bulletin. This is a boon for brunch-eating, Bible belt believers, almost a way to get your tithe back if you think about it.

But there are several disgruntled, non-church-going Texans who feel that the manager is practicing religious discrimination. Not so, assures the manager, who says he is just trying to drum up more business.

Although we here at JoS understand the how the unchurched feel slighted with this promotion, we encourage them to remember this is just Dennys and get over it.

Heard the Message? Bible comes with Pink Ribbon

‘Message Pink Edition’ sold out of first print run

NavPress' The Message Remix Solo: Pink Edition, a Christian retail channel exclusive Bible offering encouragement to women with breast cancer, has sold out of its first print run and is headed back to press-one month before the devotional Bible's scheduled street date.

The pink-accented Bible with The Message text--which retails for $17.99--releases Sept. 15 to coincide with October's National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. NavPress is donating a portion of profits to breast cancer research.

"We are thrilled with this positive response to the Pink Edition," said NavPress President Mike Miller. "NavPress has been impacted in a personal way by breast cancer, so this cause is very important to us."

Meanwhile, the publisher is partnering with former major league pitcher Dave Dravecky's Outreach of Hope ministry in the fight against breast cancer by participating in an exclusive program only for Christian stores.

NavPress' Solo Pink Project includes blank book plates that retailers can make available for customers on which to write a message of encouragement for someone battling cancer. The notes will then be placed inside special editions of The Message of Hope booklet to be given away.

Dravecky, who survived bone cancer that ended his baseball career, will help distribute the booklets. "We are excited to be able to partner with NavPress in distributing ... the handwritten notes on the bookplates to those suffering with serious illness," he said. "We hope and pray the Solo Pink Project will draw everyone it touches closer to the heart of God in the midst of their journey."

- article by Christian Retailing

Gambling with God's Greenbacks


A Michigan church wins $70,000 in the state lottery.

The Covenant Life Worship Center in Haslett, Michigan cashed in a second-prize ticket for a nice, tax-exempt payoff for the congregation. That is correct. Since a non-profit organization won the prize they will not be expected to pay any taxes on the winnings. The 25 member church plans to distribute the money to the church building fund, a missionary fund, supporting local community service projects, and I'm sure to host a "pot blessing."

Since giving has been down in this recession, Church finance boards around the country are looking at their budgets deciding how much money they can allocate to purchasing state lottery tickets and rallying the church intercessors to be praying for lotto victory.

What will you do with your tithes?

White folk getting ready to rise up

Pastor James David Manning, the chief pastor at the ATLAH World Missionary Church in New York City.



[1:45]You all gonna push these white folks till they can’t take it no mo. I’m tellin ya! You fool around here with Obama? You gonna let this long-legged Mac daddy push these white folk- they gonna come up out of Tennessee, come up out of Oklahoma, come up out of Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, come up out of Oregon, and come out of Idaho, California. I’m tellin ya all! You pushing these white folk and your pushing em. Your long-legged Mac daddy pushing em and pushing em and pushing em…

[2:44]White folk getting ready to rise up, they don’t want to take it no mo and I’m joining them, dog-gone-it! I am!

[3:40]You better find a way to either get rid of Obama or these folk are gonna rise up at the sound of a bird.

[4:21]To be on this nation and then have it given away, just given away, just thrown away, just given away by a long-legged, half breed, usurper, illegal alien, a man who isn’t even a citizen and everybody in the congress knows he’s not a citizen… White folk are ready to riot and they should be! They should be!

[5:29]Patriotic Americans ought to have an individual apology from everyone of these persons that I just named that have allowed this long-legged Mac daddy, this two-tongued liar, this quasi-Muslim, socialist, communist, Marxist freak called Barack Hussein Obama, allow he to get to where he’s at. And then we going to need to go into 40 days of prayer. We need to out pray the Muslims Ramadan.

[6:40] You go ahead. Ya, go ahead with your bad self. Go ahead with your long-legged Mac daddy worshipping yourself. Go ahead! Go ahead! You freak. You homosexual. You man-lover.

[7:23] White folk aint gonna take it no mo and thank God!

[7:45] I’m praying for their success and I hope they’ll let me join them. I do. I do.

[8:26] Plus he’s a vile homosexual. Fell in love with Larry St. Claire. They had a steamy love affair. (Singing) Obama and Larry St. Claire had a steamy love affair. Obama and Larry St. Claire had a steamy love affair. Larry looked into the eyes of Obama, the Mac daddy, and he put a spell on Obama, the Mac daddy. Obama said to Larry, “Oh you’re just my style and my kind. Woah you look like just what I wanta, my man/woman and half whatever look to look like. Oh yes. Oh yes. Oh yes.” Obama and Larry St. Claire had a steamy love affair in the back of a limo and then at the, the ah, at the Holiday Inn, they had a steamy love affair.

Personally, what this white man can't take anymore is this kind of religious garbage, but I have to admit that I laughed throughout this video at Pastor Manning's absurdity. Does he really think that he is representing God? If so, then that is scary!

Desperate? Lonely? Need a Christian Date?


Actually, I am pretty sure Jesus doesn't want that kind of date with you either. Not sure who this Church had lined up but it was probably The Squirrel.

Baptist Preacher Prays For President's Death

Southern Baptist Pastor Wiley Drake was just named the "World's Worst Person" by MSNBC correspondent, Keith Olbermann. What would make this reporter so indignant against a man of the cloth? How about because he publicly has made it known that he is praying for President Barack Obama to die.

Here's more of the story from the Orange County Registrar.
Drake said he has prayed for Obama's death, though "98 percent everything I pray about him is very positive."

However Drake also said he's directed to pray for ill against his enemies by Psalm 109, which asks for punishment for evildoers, and even considers such prayers a "duty."

"If anybody has a problem with the prayer we're praying, they need to take it up with the man who wrote it, because it's not me," Drake said.
The Squirrel agrees with Keith.