Is Lance Armstrong the 2nd Coming of Jesus?

When Lance Armstrong retired at the end of the Tour de France in the summer of 2005 he soared up into the air with a cloud of witnesses watching. He did this ascension with the aid of an airplane which instead of taking him straight to heaven took him back to his home in Texas. Much to the chagrin of the Lone Star residents these locations are not actually the same place.

This fall Lance announced that he was returning to the professional bicycle racing circuit. He made his debut last week down under in Australia where was given a hero’s welcome. One reporter acknowledging the religious fervor of the crowd commented to Lance, “It looks as if Jesus Christ is going to cycle."

I can understand why some people have assumed that Lance was a reincarnation of Jesus. Consider these facts:
  • Lance has superhero strength.

  • Lance inspires faith, even in France.

  • Lance practically came back from the dead (he was healed of testicular cancer that got into his brain, lungs and abdomen).

  • Everywhere he goes Lance is followed closely by disciples and is watched by crowds of onlookers.
But a closer look at the facts indicates that that although Lance is an amazing bicyclist he is not the Messiah:
  • Jesus didn’t actually retire; he went to Heaven to build homes.

  • Jesus preached that the first would be last, which hardly makes you a good cyclist.

  • Jesus prefers earthen tones and doesn’t particularly look good in yellow.

  • Jesus certainly loves Sheryl Crow, but he’d never date her.
Although Lance's return is exciting, we will have to rate the Australian's fervor as mere hype.

4 comments:

David Casey said...

Yes, but…
• Lance has five letters and Jesus has five letters.
• Lance and Jesus have a posse they draft with.
• Both Jesus and Lance are sleek skinny dudes.
• I have never seen Lance and Jesus together at the same time.

On the other hand…
• Lance is the king of climbing mountains, Jesus just moves them.
• Jesus always had long hair and a beard which would clearly be non-aerodynamic.
• Although some asshole driving too close has called me 'Lance,' I have never been mistaken for Christ…that Chad will allow me to post.

Cheryl Russi said...

would that make Matthew McConaughey John the Beloved?

Yellow Rose said...

Jesus might also have a hard time staying hydrated while cycling, what with the water turning into wine and all.

Anonymous said...

It shows how little people think of Jesus in this modern day. He is way beyond them. And they will all be judged by Him one day for every idle word they have spoken against Him.

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