My Favorite Bible Story

Something tells me these godless Twitterers need to go back to Sunday School. When asked what their favorite Bible story was they said…

@dtatusko: when Paul said, tithe in order to support the church's property, labor, and per capita costs.

@dtatusko: the one where David is in a monogamous one man one woman biblical relationship.

@mwms: is the one where Jesus approaches the moneychangers in the temple to thank them for the good work they're doing

@GayRainArmy: where Jesus is hanging on the cross and he says, "My God this would make a fabulous necklace!"

@KnowTea: Call me a traditionalist, but my favorite Bible story is still the one about the footprints on the beach . . .

@dtatusko: in Luke 10 Jesus tells the 70 to go and give the people a four-step plan to get into heaven.

@gayrainarmy: is the one where Jesus fed 5,000 from one boys lunch & the GOP got pissy over redistribution of income.

@GayRainArmy: is where Jesus changes Simon's name to 'Peter' because he's tired of the disciples playing "Simon Says" all damn day

@dtatusko: the one where Jesus said, the kingdom of heaven is like a large empire...

@dtatusko: My favorite Bible story is the beatitudes: Blessed are the materially wealthy for they have been given theLord's favor.

@shuckandjive: I like the one where Noah forgets to bring food on the ark and eats the dinosaurs.

@GayRainArmy: the one where Job loses absolutely everything and his friend Lou Dobbs blames it on the Mexicans.

@GayRainArmy: the one where God tells Peter "do not call unclean that which I have made clean" and Peter leaves the church.

@loveandgluttony: is the one where Jesus goes up to the mountaintop and says "Hey! I can see Russia from here!"

Those aren't in the Bible... That's The Squirrel.

The Red Pen – Critical, Religious Analysis

Like “Jesus or Squirrel” there are other websites that have witty and thought provoking commentaty about American Christian-ism as it is being marketed in the mass media. Then there are other blogs that take criticism to a whole new level. The Red Pen is one of those sites, in my critical opinion.

Chris Jensen is a self proclaimed “fundamentalist Bible-believing Christian” who feels that most Christian authors “are well-intended, but that they are writing more to what they believe people desire to hear than what God might think of their teachings.” What should be done about it? Well, Jensen is on a mission from God to clean up this mess. Comparing himself to David going up against the terrible Philistine Goliath who was dragging God’s name in the mud, Jensen is going to put an end to the current day’s giants’ offenses—apparently like David, also by throwing stones.

Think of this blog as though it were a sling in my hands, and the analyses you read here to be like smooth stones hurled faithfully toward their targets. What are the targets? The targets are those recent texts that have, to a degree, misled believers and impaired their walk with Jesus Christ.

So with the following verse as his mission statement “For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but after their own lusts shall they heap to themselves teachers, having itching ears…” (2 Timothy 3:16, ESV) Jensen goes after his first two big offenders, Rick Warren and Rob Bell. An example of his analysis is below where he takes issue with the title of Rob Bell’s book, Jesus Wants to Save Christians: A Manifesto for the Church in Exile:

Your title implies that Christians aren’t saved. This is, of course, a biblical impossibility. Jesus taught that many who consider themselves to be Christians would not enter the kingdom of Heaven.

“Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven.” Matthew 7:21 (NKJV)

Christ is clearly referring here to those who are not truly “Christians” according to the biblical definition of the term. Unclear in an attempt to sound bold and provocative.

wow. brilliant. thank God for this correction. my ears were soooo being ticked.

If you want your favorite Christian authors scrutinized by The Red Pen so they line up without compromise to Jensen’s interpretation of scripture, contact him directly at teacher@redpen.org. You can contribute financially to him by sending money to his P.O box.

As for me, I think I’ll rely on the Holy Spirit to speak to me of what is real and what is man-made religion:

As for you, the anointing you received from him remains in you, and you do not need anyone to teach you. But as his anointing teaches you about all things and as that anointing is real, not counterfeit--just as it has taught you, remain in him. (1 John 2:27 NIV)

Don’t Let Your Pets be Left Behind Alone!

Do you have your End-Times theology all wrapped up in a pretty Pre-Trib Rapture? Have you thought what might happen to your pets when you hit the celestial trail? Worry no more! For a mere $110 your pet can be cared for by a certified atheist who has no hopes of hearing the trumpet call.

Eternal Earth-Bound Pets, USA is the next best thing to pet salvation in a post Rapture world. They have active services in 20 states and expect to more to follow. They guarantee that for 10 years after the receipt of payment, one pet per residence will be rescued after the Second Coming from a God-less, animal activists. Additional pets can be added to the plan for a mere $15. Currently only dogs, cats, birds, rabbits, and small caged mammals can be covered by the plan.

Click to their website for your and your pet’s eternal peace of mind.

What Computer Would Jesus Use?

Obviously Photoshopped on a Mac by a Mac user, thus the "religion" tag.

God Sent a Tornado to Warn Lutherans

John Piper, a well known theologian and senior pastor at Bethlehem Baptist Church in Minnesota, blogged that this week’s tornado in Minneapolis was a result of the discussion about homosexuality at the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America's national convention in Minneapolis. The tornado damaged the steeple of a local, Lutheran church near the convention center where the ELCA was meeting.

On Piper’s blog he knits together the weather, the timing, history and scripture to conclude that God was warning the ELCA away from the approval of sin. You can read his full apologetic here.

This kind of pronouncement makes one remember when Pat Robertson said the hurricanes in Louisiana were God’s judgment against sexually-loose New Orleans (God must have sent Rita when Katrina didn’t do enough damage with the first strike), and when Jerry Falwell said the 9/11 disaster was the fault of pagans, abortionists, feminists, gays and lesbians.

Groups within the ELCA tried to spin the weather phenomenon to their own point of view on the debate- either as God’s anger or the mighty rushing wind of the Holy Spirit.

All I can says is God help the fat Baptists the next time they gather for an accord, and the gossiping Pentecostals at their next convention. Maybe all of our major denominations should consider hiring for the role of prophetic meteorologist.

Then on second thought, didn’t Jesus already make a final, public statement regarding sin from the cross (which also included a freakish weather storm)? Is the sign he hangs in the sky one of judgment or one of promise? Just asking.

Dennys Discounts for Going to Church

A Denny’s restaurant in Texas is offering a 10% discount to customers if they bring in the most recent copy of their church’s bulletin. This is a boon for brunch-eating, Bible belt believers, almost a way to get your tithe back if you think about it.

But there are several disgruntled, non-church-going Texans who feel that the manager is practicing religious discrimination. Not so, assures the manager, who says he is just trying to drum up more business.

Although we here at JoS understand the how the unchurched feel slighted with this promotion, we encourage them to remember this is just Dennys and get over it.

Heard the Message? Bible comes with Pink Ribbon

‘Message Pink Edition’ sold out of first print run

NavPress' The Message Remix Solo: Pink Edition, a Christian retail channel exclusive Bible offering encouragement to women with breast cancer, has sold out of its first print run and is headed back to press-one month before the devotional Bible's scheduled street date.

The pink-accented Bible with The Message text--which retails for $17.99--releases Sept. 15 to coincide with October's National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. NavPress is donating a portion of profits to breast cancer research.

"We are thrilled with this positive response to the Pink Edition," said NavPress President Mike Miller. "NavPress has been impacted in a personal way by breast cancer, so this cause is very important to us."

Meanwhile, the publisher is partnering with former major league pitcher Dave Dravecky's Outreach of Hope ministry in the fight against breast cancer by participating in an exclusive program only for Christian stores.

NavPress' Solo Pink Project includes blank book plates that retailers can make available for customers on which to write a message of encouragement for someone battling cancer. The notes will then be placed inside special editions of The Message of Hope booklet to be given away.

Dravecky, who survived bone cancer that ended his baseball career, will help distribute the booklets. "We are excited to be able to partner with NavPress in distributing ... the handwritten notes on the bookplates to those suffering with serious illness," he said. "We hope and pray the Solo Pink Project will draw everyone it touches closer to the heart of God in the midst of their journey."

- article by Christian Retailing

Gambling with God's Greenbacks

A Michigan church wins $70,000 in the state lottery.

The Covenant Life Worship Center in Haslett, Michigan cashed in a second-prize ticket for a nice, tax-exempt payoff for the congregation. That is correct. Since a non-profit organization won the prize they will not be expected to pay any taxes on the winnings. The 25 member church plans to distribute the money to the church building fund, a missionary fund, supporting local community service projects, and I'm sure to host a "pot blessing."

Since giving has been down in this recession, Church finance boards around the country are looking at their budgets deciding how much money they can allocate to purchasing state lottery tickets and rallying the church intercessors to be praying for lotto victory.

What will you do with your tithes?

White folk getting ready to rise up

Pastor James David Manning, the chief pastor at the ATLAH World Missionary Church in New York City.

[1:45]You all gonna push these white folks till they can’t take it no mo. I’m tellin ya! You fool around here with Obama? You gonna let this long-legged Mac daddy push these white folk- they gonna come up out of Tennessee, come up out of Oklahoma, come up out of Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, come up out of Oregon, and come out of Idaho, California. I’m tellin ya all! You pushing these white folk and your pushing em. Your long-legged Mac daddy pushing em and pushing em and pushing em…

[2:44]White folk getting ready to rise up, they don’t want to take it no mo and I’m joining them, dog-gone-it! I am!

[3:40]You better find a way to either get rid of Obama or these folk are gonna rise up at the sound of a bird.

[4:21]To be on this nation and then have it given away, just given away, just thrown away, just given away by a long-legged, half breed, usurper, illegal alien, a man who isn’t even a citizen and everybody in the congress knows he’s not a citizen… White folk are ready to riot and they should be! They should be!

[5:29]Patriotic Americans ought to have an individual apology from everyone of these persons that I just named that have allowed this long-legged Mac daddy, this two-tongued liar, this quasi-Muslim, socialist, communist, Marxist freak called Barack Hussein Obama, allow he to get to where he’s at. And then we going to need to go into 40 days of prayer. We need to out pray the Muslims Ramadan.

[6:40] You go ahead. Ya, go ahead with your bad self. Go ahead with your long-legged Mac daddy worshipping yourself. Go ahead! Go ahead! You freak. You homosexual. You man-lover.

[7:23] White folk aint gonna take it no mo and thank God!

[7:45] I’m praying for their success and I hope they’ll let me join them. I do. I do.

[8:26] Plus he’s a vile homosexual. Fell in love with Larry St. Claire. They had a steamy love affair. (Singing) Obama and Larry St. Claire had a steamy love affair. Obama and Larry St. Claire had a steamy love affair. Larry looked into the eyes of Obama, the Mac daddy, and he put a spell on Obama, the Mac daddy. Obama said to Larry, “Oh you’re just my style and my kind. Woah you look like just what I wanta, my man/woman and half whatever look to look like. Oh yes. Oh yes. Oh yes.” Obama and Larry St. Claire had a steamy love affair in the back of a limo and then at the, the ah, at the Holiday Inn, they had a steamy love affair.

Personally, what this white man can't take anymore is this kind of religious garbage, but I have to admit that I laughed throughout this video at Pastor Manning's absurdity. Does he really think that he is representing God? If so, then that is scary!