How to Worship God Effectively

...or at least to appear to.

Halloween Candy is Evil, and other Prophetic Insights

Charisma Magazine and Pat Robertson both ran an article by Kimberly Daniels about the evils of Halloween. Daniels is "a sought-after conference speaker and preacher" and "a recognized prophetic voice." Here is a sample of her warnings which Charisma labeled as "Prophetic Insight."
During this period demons are assigned against those who participate in the rituals and festivities. These demons are automatically drawn to the fetishes that open doors for them to come into the lives of human beings. For example, most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches.

I do not buy candy during the Halloween season. Curses are sent through the tricks and treats of the innocent whether they get it by going door to door or by purchasing it from the local grocery store. The demons cannot tell the difference.

Even the colors of Halloween (orange, brown and dark red) are dedicated. These colors are connected to the fall equinox, which is around the 20th or 21st of September each year and is sometimes called "Mabon." During this season witches are celebrating the changing of the seasons from summer to fall. They give praise to the gods for the demonic harvest. They pray to the gods of the elements (air, fire, water and earth).

Mother earth is highly celebrated during the fall demonic harvest. Witches praise mother earth by bringing her fruits, nuts and herbs. Demons are loosed during these acts of worship. When nice church folk lay out their pumpkins on the church lawn, fill their baskets with nuts and herbs, and fire up their bonfires, the demons get busy. They have no respect for the church grounds. They respect only the sacrifice and do not care if it comes from believers or non-believers.
You can read the more of her nonsense here.

Please remember that if you love Jesus that you must not do the following:
  • Buy candy
  • Eat candy
  • Pray about candy
  • Open your door
  • Say, "Trick or Treat"
  • Leave pumpkins outside
  • Wear a costume
  • Wear the colors orange, brown (sorry Cleveland fans) and dark red
  • Warm yourself to a fire on church grounds (please remember it only takes a spark)
  • Be thankful for the harvest (It will be okay to do this in November. Thanksgiving is a Christian holiday celebrated by Jesus since he was little.)
Come back next week when Daniels will explain to us the evils of eating Gay candy and present a new list of banned treats, including:
  • Mike & Ikes
  • Almond Joy
  • Pixy Stix

Trick or Tract

If you are really a squirrel, make sure to give out BOO chick tracks instead of candy to the small, impressionable children come to your door for Halloween. It actually doesn't matter that the content isn't true. It is better to scare the children into a saying a sinner's prayer than it is letting them celebrate Satan's birthday.





Who Needs Jesus When You Have Bishop Tamaki?

I don't normally post articles this long, but when you see a huge locomotive being derailed it's really hard to turn away from the inevitable wreck.
Tamaki's 700 'sons' swear oath of loyalty
By Garth George
nzherald.co.nz

EXCLUSIVE - The leader of Destiny Church, Brian Tamaki, who not long ago anointed himself bishop of the church he founded, has now proclaimed himself the church's "spiritual father" and designated the male members of the church as "spiritual sons".

At a special service during the church's annual conference in Auckland at the weekend, about 700 male members of the church swore a "covenant oath" of loyalty and obedience to Mr Tamaki and were given a "covenant ring" to wear on their right hands.

A church document describes the covenant as "a solemn oath of commitment that is binding, enduring and unbreakable. You are bound to covenant ... Covenant is an irrevocable, undissolvable oath of commitment".

The document, entitled Protocols and Requirements Between Spiritual Father & His Spiritual Sons, contains the text of the "covenant oath", the guts of which is that "Above all, we stand here today in the presence of God to enter into this sacred covenant with our man of God, Bishop Brian Tamaki".

It says: "To you Bishop we pledge our allegiance, our faithfulness and loyalty. We pledge to serve the cause that is in your heart and to finish that work. Success to you and success to those who help you - for God is with you."

In its introduction, the church document says that proof of a man's covenant with God is how they "submit to God's chosen man ... We are blessed to our spiritual father through whom this principle is being restored. The fruit of his ministry is self-evident, so much so that his call and influence is discerned at many levels in both the Christian and non-Christian communities here in New Zealand ... Spiritual fathers are extremely rare ... For us it is about discerning the special anointing and function God has put on Bishop's life ... "

The requirements of sonship, the document says, are to give Mr Tamaki obedience and honour, to imitate him and follow his faith and to give him "your loyalty and your strength".

A church statement last night said the initiative was launched by Bishop Tamaki.

He said the covenant ceremony was witnessed by several thousand church-goers, and marked the culmination of a six-month programme aimed at "helping men to become better husbands and fathers and standout contributors to local community".

The Destiny Church statement said many of the men had emerged from social dysfunction, crime, alcohol or drug-related problems and domestic violence to become functional members of society.

Protocols

In the document comes a section entitled "Protocols towards our spiritual father", which takes 1300 words to describe in jaw-dropping detail how the "spiritual sons" shall behave towards their "spiritual father".

Under "Public Conduct", the sons will in all conversation always speak of Mr Tamaki in a favourable and positive light; and in formal and/or public occasions, they will always address him and his wife, Hannah, first in acknowledgments and addresses at meetings "as a sign of respect to the father of the movement".

If any "son" is honoured either by the church or secularly, he is to mention his "mentors and role models" - Mr and Mrs Tamaki - "because Bishop is one of God's best-known representatives in our country".

Under "Conduct Towards Bishop", the "sons" are told that "Bishop is the tangible expression of God", so they need to understand how to properly approach their man of God "to protect the anointing and not transgress this special relationship".

They are always to be respectful and honourable in Mr Tamaki's presence. "Even though he is very sociable and open - remember who he is!" They must never be "in his face" and must protect him from outsiders who attempt to do that.

They must ensure that Mr Tamaki and his wife are both honoured, cared for and given appropriate respect. "Bishop is a people person. Often it is better we offend others than him."

And since "Bishop carries our vision and our anointing for the future and hope of our families and offspring, we ought to guard, protect and watch out for him and Ps [Pastor] Hannah".

Under "Discernment", the "sons" are told they must "feel Bishop's flow and be attentive to his thoughts and directions", which "gives unity and power to what God is saying and doing through him".

They must endorse what Mr Tamaki endorses, fully support what he promotes and ensure that what he is involved in is supported and successful.

"Whenever Bishop speaks all other talking stops: give him your full attention. Be careful not to cut in on him when he is speaking and ensure others don't either.

"Don't start talking or gesturing to somebody else while Bishop is speaking."

The "sons" must never openly disagree with Mr Tamaki in front of others and must "be careful not to become familiar (which can lead to contempt)" with him "due to his friendliness and openness".

Under "Etiquette", the "sons" are told that when Mr Tamaki and his wife enter a room, they must stand and acknowledge their presence. They may sit only after the Tamakis are seated.

And if they dine with him they wait until he has started eating before they start eating, unless he indicates otherwise.

Vocal

Under "Church Service (in house) Protocols" the men are encouraged to sit as close as possible to the front of the church to be nearer to Mr Tamaki and to be vocal during his preaching, affirming what he has to say with "amen" and "that's right", clapping, shouting and laughing. This sort of participation is said to build "an atmosphere that is conducive to supernatural events".

They are told to bring Bible, pen, paper or laptop to note down Mr Tamaki's sermons which "shows how highly you value the Word of God from Bishop's mouth".

They should come to church anticipating that God will speak through Mr Tamaki and should always be dressed well at all meetings with him. "His dress code is your dress code." They should also look happy and smile and be friendly to all and encourage people.

Under "Supporting Bishop's Function & Ministry", the "sons" are encouraged to find out Mr Tamaki's speaking itinerary and travel to other churches and engagements to support him, because a team of men around their bishop "reflects his importance to them".

They must never tolerate anyone (regardless of who they are) speaking or talking critically of Mr Tamaki and his wife/family or the church. "You are not only to stop them in their tracks but warn them that they criticise you when they criticise Bishop."

They should celebrate Mr Tamaki's special occasions with him with surprises on birthdays, anniversaries and special occasions or achievements.

"Don't wait for others to do it. It is a sign of your love and respect for him: at times give gifts to him and/or Ps Hannah. A gift means many things - love, honour and blessing them: they will feel appreciated."

The men are exhorted to be protective of Mr Tamaki and his family. The protocol says he "will be more criticised, scrutinised and demonised than most others because of who he is and what he carries".

"You will hear all sorts of statements and opinions but you must be prepared to ignore them and consistently hold him in the same high regard no matter what you hear."

Somewhat surprisingly, the protocol says that Mr Tamaki is human and does make mistakes.

However, the sons must "be prepared to defend against any problems arising out of his mistakes.

A loyal man is supposed to 'cushion' the effect of a mistake on Bishop and to protect him. NEVER intentionally expose his weakness."

It says Mr Tamaki may downplay and even discourage "sons" in overtly honouring him, "BUT that should never stop the men from doing what is honourable and what is in their heart to do".

"The bishop's discomfort with honour should never rob the people of the spiritual rewards for such honourable and respectful actions towards him.

It is appropriate, says the protocol, for men to tell others of their love for Mr Tamaki, who is "one of the most well-known representatives of God in our country". The "sons" must reinforce and emphasise what he says and preaches and quote him as often as possible in favourable terms.
I'm sure the bishop will soon be serving Koolaid to help his loyal followers choke down his covenant crackers.

When You are Sick, it is Jesus Spanking You

Unfortunate Sunday School Signs






Are You a Pastor?

Are You a Pastor?” the ad on the side of my Facebook wall asked.

“Why does Facebook want to know that,” I wonder. There is picture of an award certificate with smaller print underneath. I read on.

“Get recognized for your accomplishments with a free certificate of recognition.”

“This can’t be real,” I sigh, painfully realizing somebody wouldn’t be paying for an ad like this unless pastors, like me, were clicking on it.

I had to see where it went; to see who was preying on us insecure, religious men. I clicked.
Promote your accomplishments with a Free Online Profile and Certificate of Recognition!
As an approved society member, you will gain access to our digital platform, which provides exposure and ensures that your accomplishments are formally recorded and publicly acknowledged. You will also be eligible to receive a personalized Certificate of Recognition. Other member benefits include: a laser engraved wall plaque, a press release detailing your accomplishments, a personalized web page and inclusion in our prestigious directory.
Well, I guess if you weren’t honored enough during Pastor Appreciation Month, now you can take matters into your own hands and make sure you are recognized, your accomplishments recorded, your crowns bestowed.

God help us.

Using Jesus to Sell Your Website

Is your website planted in Good Soil?

Did you know that you could produce more fruit with your church Website?

Did you know that the company, Site Organic knows how to build websites the way God intended?

Apparently your site will please the Almighty if it is using Solid Rock Hosting, the popular Ministry Content Management System, and Intelligent Design – all provided by Site Organic. And if you are pleasing God then you will bear more fruit—not sure if that is financial blessings, more people in your tabernacle, or literal bananas, but Site Organic promises more fruit.

Yes, fruity, fruit from organic, good soil. Some 30, some 60, some 100 fold.

Please tell them The Squirrel sent you. Maybe you’ll get more nuts too.

Bible and Book Burning on Halloween


Tired of the same old "Harvest Party" at your church while all the heathens are collecting candy? Instead of hosting a hayride, why not do what this church is doing to pursue purity.

On October 31st, 2009 starting at 7:00 pm the Amazing Grace Baptist Church in Canton, NJ will be starting a bonfire to burn all the perversions of God's Word they can find. Who knows, with a burn list as long as they have, they might be continue to be hot and bothered until the 2nd Coming.

Here is more from their invite:

"We are burning Satan's bibles like the NIV, RSV, NKJV, TLB, NASB, NEV, NRSV, ASV, NWT, Good News for Modern Man, The Evidence Bible, The Message Bible, The Green Bible, ect. These are perversions of God's Word the King James Bible.

We will also be burning Satan's music such as country , rap , rock , pop, heavy metal, western, soft and easy, southern gospel , contempory Christian , jazz, soul, oldies but goldies, etc.

We will also be burning Satan's popular books written by heretics like Westcott & Hort , Bruce Metzger, Billy Graham , Rick Warren , Bill Hybels , John McArthur, James Dobson, Charles Swindoll , John Piper, Chuck Colson, Tony Evans, Oral Roberts, Jimmy Swagart, Mark Driskol, Franklin Graham , Bill Bright, Tim Lahaye, Paula White, T.D. Jakes, Benny Hinn , Joyce Myers, Brian McLaren, Robert Schuller, Mother Teresa , The Pope , Rob Bell, Erwin McManus, Donald Miller, Shane Claiborne, Brennan Manning, William Young, etc.

The Scriptural bases for what we are doing each year is found in Acts 19:18-20 "And many that believed came, and confessed, and shewed their deeds. Many of them also which used curious arts brought their books together, and burned them before all men: and they counted the price of them, and found it fifty thousand pieces of silver. So mightily grew the word of God and prevailed."

It's not all hell fire and damnation though. At least their menu sounds appetizing.

"We will be serving Bar-b-Que Chicken, fried chicken, and all the sides."