At Least She Has Her Head Covered

silence

Pickup Evangelism?


What does this even mean?

Naked For Jesus

naked_for_jesus

Covered up for the rest of us, thank God.

Jesus take the Wii!!!

The Squirrel Knows More than 99% of You

squirrel-pope After taking the “How much do you know about religion” quiz, sponsored by The Pew Forum The Squirrel is proudly pushing out his cheeks like they are full of nuts.

He got 14 out of 15 right on the quiz, which is apparently better than all but one percent of the population.

Well, how much do YOU know about religion?

Take the Quiz

BamBam Jesus is a Hit

bambamjesus Call this outpouring, or a hip idea left over from this preacher’s favorite Saturday morning cartoon.

If you get Snake Bit, Don’t Sue the Church

The pictures say it all.

warning sign

snake handler (found on Christian Nightmares)

I See Satan when I Shower

showerdevil You’d think that cleanliness was next to godliness, but for the Csrefko family of Budapest, Hungary, they’ve stopped using their shower after seeing the devil’s face in their brand new shower tile.

According to the World Net Daily

"I was naked coming out of the shower and I could suddenly see his eyes staring into me," said a horrified wife, Andrea Csrefko, after bathing for the first time. "I just screamed and ran.”

“We can't clean it off and it wasn't there when we put the tiles up," said Andrea's 52-year-old husband, Laszlo. “It just appeared overnight and nothing can move it. The room is always ice cold no matter how high we turn the heating up and we've just stopped using it because it's too spooky. We wash in the sink downstairs now."

The family has now hired an exorcist to purge the evil spirits from the bathroom.

My biggest question is how clean can you get in a sink?

Circle the Fundamentalist Wagons around Montana

chuck_baldwin Pastor Chuck Baldwin is moving from Pensacola, Florida. He wrote a blog post to his followers to explain why. Here are portions, with a little JoS commentary.

I know unbelievers and skeptics have a hard time when I say this, but, we are moving to the Flathead Valley of Montana for the same reason we moved to Pensacola, Florida, 35 years ago: we know it is God’s perfect will for our lives. Period.

Did you ask the residents of Flathead? They don’t seem to think God told them you were coming.

Why else would we do it? Why would we leave the comfort and security of home, family, and friends? Why would we attempt such a major move in such an economically depressed housing and job market? Why would I walk away from the church that my wife and I started and have poured our hearts and souls into for over 35 years, and that took such very good care of us?

We aren’t sure, Chuck. But we aim to find out.

So, instead of moving south (like most every preacher you ever knew over the age of 50), I feel God moving me north (about 75-miles-south-of-the-Canadian-border kind of north!). And so does every man in my family. Count them: that’s 5 households and 17 people ranging in ages from 3 months to the upper 70s (I am 58).

Sort of like Abraham moving out of Ur. Have you figured out who the Lot character is in your family? Are any nephews moving with you?

I promise you, we have bathed this move in intense and prolonged prayer and meditation. This was not a quick decision. But why would God move us?

Maybe because he wanted you out of the limelight and someplace really quiet and remote.

For one thing, it became very plain to me that my ministry was over in Pensacola. The brook had dried up, to borrow from the life of Elijah.

You can’t borrow from the life of Elijah, he moved UP in a chariot of fire to Heaven, not in a caravan of U-Haul's to the border.

And I’ve known too many pastors who allowed their personal affections for a prolonged ministry to obfuscate the clear revelation and reality that their ministries had ended and it was time to move on. And in every such instance, the longer they stayed, the more the ministry declined. I had vowed many years ago to not let that happen to my wonderful church family. They deserved God’s best, even if that meant my departure.

If you did this for the best of your church, why did you just give the entire staff 30 days notice that their jobs would all be coming to an end? Seems there has already been too much obfuscation.

For another thing, my family and I are ardent patriots. To us, freedom and liberty are much more valuable and desirable than wealth and riches–or even comfort and security. And we believe God has been showing us that if there is a place left in America where true freedom has an opportunity to experience a rebirth, it is in the Mountain States of America’s great Northwest. I love the fact that Montana is often referred to as “The Last Best Place.” And as far as freedom and liberty are concerned, it just might be.

That is a marketing slogan, you nerd, just like Florida is The Sunshine State. It isn’t meant to be prophetic.

Now, we are not naïve. We realize that there are many Big-Government liberals and neocons in the Mountain States who will not be pleased to see us come.

Your neighbors in Idaho think you are getting too close as well. Have you considered purchasing an island somewhere?

Furthermore, it is our studied opinion that America is headed for an almost certain cataclysm. As Christians, we suspect that this cataclysm could include the judgment of God.

Dude, I hate to tell you this, but if God is coming and he is upset, he already knows where Montana is. You can’t hide there.

As students of history, we believe that this cataclysm will most certainly include a fight between Big-Government globalists and freedom-loving, independent-minded patriots. I would even argue that this fight has already started. And as this battle escalates (and it will most assuredly escalate), only those states that are willing to stand and fight for their independence and freedom will survive–at least in a state of freedom. And we believe that God has already put the love of liberty deep into the hearts of the people of the Mountain States; and we further believe that God is already calling (and will continue to call) many other freedom lovers to those states. One thing is for sure: we know He called us!

So this is really more of a political stand that you are making and using the name of God to endorse it. Maybe that is why God is actually upset.

alamo04_cast We are not going to Montana to sunbathe...or hibernate. We are going to fight! We are going to work! We are going to help the freedom-minded people of Montana make their stand for liberty! In many ways, the Mountain States just might become The Alamo of the twenty-first century, with, hopefully, much better results.

We are going to war against Mexico again?

But if not, I would rather die fighting for freedom with liberty-loving patriots by my side than be shuttled off to some FEMA camp after having been rejected and betrayed by soft-living, comfort-seeking, materialistic statists who simply “don’t get it” and have no desire to “get it,” which seems to be pretty much standard practice for a sizeable majority of people today–Christian and non-Christian–around most of the country.

You are a narcissist.

Add to the intrinsically oppressive nature of big-city liberalism and UN-sponsored globalism the out-of-control illegal immigration problem along the Southern Border and one has a recipe for disaster! And that is exactly what is coming: a disaster!

You are not an Old Testament prophet, but you think you are, don’t you?

If I am correct in my analysis, and Montana (and surrounding states) really is in store for a FREEDOM RUSH, then it is certain that patriotic businessmen, laborers, tradesmen, professionals, clergymen, physicians, technicians, and people from virtually every walk of life will find themselves among the “gathering of eagles.” From an economic and spiritual perspective alone, the prospect of such a rush could be not only exciting, but also historic!

I predict an EPIC FAIL!

I completely understand that Montana is not the Garden of Eden and that the Serpent is already there, waiting for us. I expect a fight. And I know I speak for the men of my family when I say, Bring it on!

What about the women? WHAT ABOUT THE WOMEN!!!

So, living or dying, we intend to circle the wagons around the State of Montana and fight to our dying breath for the right of that State to live free!

Dude, I can nearly see Montana from my porch. They aren’t at war!

And while we are at it, we believe God will let us help many good, freedom-loving people of Montana find true inner freedom that comes from Christ alone. After all, any true student of American history knows that revival and revolution go hand in hand.

Glad you brought Jesus into this. That is why you made the Jesus or Squirrel Blog! Don’t you feel special?

To borrow from the Apostle Paul, “And now, behold, I go bound in the spirit unto [Montana], not knowing the things that shall befall me there.” (Acts 20:22)

You have got to quit borrowing these things from the Bible. Have you ever read Revelations 21:18? “For I testify to everyone who hears the words of the prophecy of this book: If anyone adds to these things, God will add to him the plagues that are written in this book.”

But I also have faith in another Biblical principle: that God opens doors that no man can shut (Rev. 3:8). And for the Baldwin family, that open door is the Flathead Valley of Montana. And no recession, or ridicule, or opposition, or false accusation, or cold and snow can shut that door. Montana, here we come!

Are you relatives of the acting Baldwins? That would explain a lot.

If you appreciate this column and want to help me distribute these editorial opinions to an ever-growing audience, donations may now be made by credit card, check, or Money Order.

Why did I know that was coming? God save Montana. God save us all.

Oral Roberts visits Todd Bentley’s Newest Wife

Burn a Koran?

What Does Jesus Think?

approvalGlad that is settled.

Jesus Show Me Some Lightning

The first strike may have been from Jesus, but even the dad admits that the next one coming is from Holy Moly, which is one of The Squirrel’s religious titles.

Church Protests Pole Dancers; Dancers Return Favor

Every weekend for the past four years the pastor at New Beginnings church in Ohio has led his congregation in protest outside the Foxhole Strip Club. Besides voicing their disgust, they also would videotape the license plate numbers of the patrons and then post them online.

churchprotestThe strippers decided enough was enough and decided to protest outside of the church. With signs that promoted their own scripture verses (Matthew 7:15: Beware of false prophets who come to you in sheep's clothing) the girls showed up on the sidewalk outside the church in bikinis and super soakers. Although the squirt guns were for the purpose of playfully getting each other wet, I’m sure many of the men on their way into the church doors could have used cooling off.

The war of words has hurt a lot of feelings. One dancer, a married mother of six kids had this to say:

“These church people say horrible things about us... They say we're home-wreckers and whores. The fact of the matter is, we're working to keep our own homes together, to give our kids what they need.”

The pastor’s heart, like Pharaoh’s, seemed to only get harder.

"They [our church members] have now seen the evil firsthand. This has just made us stronger."

The Foxhole owner, who tried to sue the church to get them to stay away, sees it differently,

"They're just mad because their wives won't let them come to my club."

If this was the end of the story, I’d just make fun of the pastor for treating people the way he is while having the church name, “New Beginning Ministries.” Thankfully, it doesn’t end here.

After hearing about this conflict a ministry called JC’s Girls from Michigan met with the church and encouraged them to rethink their approach if they wanted to reach the strippers spiritually. Then they met separately with the dancers and had the opportunity to pray with them.

On Sunday when three of the dancers went back to the sidewalk outside the church they were surprised by a new warmer attitude from the congregation. The women of the church filed out into the street and began hugging the dancers, apologizing to them, leading to tears on both sides. When the pastor came he walked straight to one of the dancers with his arms opens. She responded that she wasn’t a whore and then accepted his embrace.

Unfortunately the story doesn’t end here.

Though people are treating each other with more compassion, the church can’t get past the morality of the stripping and plan to keep showing up outside the club and pushing for it to close. The club owners and dancers, not wanting to give up their paychecks, plan to keep hanging out in front of the church in their swim suits.

Personally, I doubt that Jesus would hang out in the strip club on Saturday night, but neither do I think he’d sit still for a message in this church on Sunday mornings.

Please Shower After Baptism

baptism-zoom

An environmental group on Wednesday called for a halt to baptisms in the Jordan River where tradition holds that Jesus was baptized, saying the waters there were dangerously polluted.

The group issued the call following media reports that Israel's health ministry had urged the tourism ministry to stop people bathing in the river, saying it posed a health risk.

In recent years the flow of the river has slowed to a dirty trickle as fresh water running into the river has been replaced with sewage.

"Sadly, the lower Jordan River has long suffered from severe mismanagement with the diversion of 98 percent of its fresh water by Israel, Syria and Jordan and the discharge of untreated sewage, agricultural run-off, saline water and fish pond effluent in its place," the statement said.

“These are my beloved… Hey! You guys are dunking yourselves in toilet water!”

Is a baptism experience still ranked higher when being done in the Jordan river, even with the sewage? What would Jesus do?

Jesus Stops a Robbery

guilt A cell phone store manager in Florida convinced an armed man to not go through with the robbery by telling him Jesus wouldn't approve.

Nayara Goncalves told the jobless man that her friends would help the man find work and that the answer to his financial problems wasn’t found in the cash register.

Then Nayara lied to the robber, telling him that she would be responsible for any cash that he stole.

So maybe it wasn’t Jesus who stopped the robbery, maybe it was guilt.

This Evangelism Method will really Travel

pickup evangelism

Drive into the whole world and advertize the gospel on your truck.

(Arthur Blessitt’s feet are very, very jealous seeing this pic.)

I’m a Chauvinistic, Church of God Chaplain

Pastor Robert Randolph loves his wife. He even buys her dresses, bras and panties. What he really loves is keeping her and other women in their place, which isn’t apparently in any leadership function of the Church of God.

“When a woman goes down they go down all the way!”

“God made man. He made woman for man. Took woman out of man. They should be our subordinates.”

“I’m not a professor… I know a little bit of Hillbilly and a little bit of Yankee, but I know the Word of God; I’m a Holy Ghost-filled preacher.”

“You women are wonderful, but you don’t deserve this.”

“We let them cut their hair, wear pants and now we are gunna give them ceegars and let them sit on the floor with us. NO! NO!”

This piece of work was found on JesusNeedsNewPR.

This is Grace

Justin Bieber is a Whoremonger in Training

justin-bieber That is according to Fred Phelps and his angry congregants at The Westboro Baptist Church.

Justin Bieber hails from Canada, land of the sodomite damned, where children are taught from birth to hate the Word of God and persecute all who faithfully preach it. This generation was raised to think you’re a freak if you’re not engaging in drunken, fornicating antics by the age of 14. Now it is Bieber's turn to teach millions of impressionable brats that God is a liar when He solemnly proclaims His standard, to wit: "Flee fornication.

Why are they upset at him? Because he isn’t singing about Jesus.

Justin Bieber has a platform given to him by God to speak to this world... but he refuses to do that because he knows his concert halls would be empty!

They plan to start picketing young Bieber’s concerts, cause I’m sure that is the best way to get their points home to him.

Teaching Children to Hate

We Can Know the Rapture and Judgment Day Dates

Even though Jesus said we wouldn’t know, some people apparently know better. The web site http://www.wecanknow.com/ is advertising the following facts:

This web site serves as an introduction and portal to four faithful ministries which are teaching that WE CAN KNOW from the Bible alone that the date of the rapture of believers will take place on May 21, 2011 and that God will destroy this world on October 21, 2011. Please take your time and browse through the teachings of Harold Camping, President of Family Radio. Study the proofs that God has so graciously given in His Word showing us that these dates are 100% accurate and beyond dispute.

Harold Camping, President of Family Radio, isn’t the only one advertising these dates. He has encouraged others to spread the word too. Marie Exley, even though she is unemployed, invested in park bench advertising in Colorado Springs to get people ready for Armageddon.

jesusreturndate.jpg

The Squirrel is jealous. He wants to advertise on bus benches too. At least until May 21, 2011.

 

Communion going to the Dogs

dog_communion A priest from St. Peter’s Anglican Church in Toronto, Canada has got into a bit of trouble for giving Holy Communion to a visitor’s pet dog.

According to The Montreal Gazette

Donald Keith, the dog's owner, said he took his pet to the church because he had heard animals were welcome.

"The minister said, 'Come up and take communion', and Trapper came up with me and the minister gave him communion as well," said Mr Keith.

He claimed that one member of the congregation was unhappy and complained to the archbishop. The dog has since been banned from receiving Holy Communion.

Hopefully he didn’t drink from the cup but only enjoyed one of the biscuits.

Sell Crazy Someplace Else

victoriajackson21 Victoria Jackson, of Saturday Night Live fame, must have gone to a few too many of the after-show parties.

On her recent rant against President Obama she invoked Old Testament scripture.

….I was reading in 1 Samuel 8 how Israel wanted a king and God did not want them to have a human king.  God was the King of Israel.  He gave them The Ten Commandments and other super smart laws, like not eating pork (it was not sanitary) and getting circumcised (prevention of disease), and ”an eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth” (crime prevention).  God wanted people to obey Him because He is the smartest leader and loves us the most.  But, Israel wanted a king really, really bad. A human King. God relented.

King Saul was elected. And it was bad for everyone.

This reminds me of America.  When God was the King of America we were blessed.  Our founding fathers  built our country on the Judeo-Christian foundation of The Ten Commandments and the presence of no human King. The colonists were escaping the human king of England, seeking religious freedom and they set up our Government purposefully to prevent the corruption of power;  thus, the legislative, executive and judicial branches of Government – all balancing out one another.  No one man in charge.  No human king.  King God was engraved onto our money, put in our pledge, and carved into our buildings in Washington, D.C.

But, as time went on, just like Israel, we gradually started to take His blessings for granted, and abandon His laws.  We kicked God out of the courts, the public school system, our families, and our personal lives.  So, now we had no King.  And we wanted a king really, really bad.  A human king.  God relented.

King Obama was elected. And it was bad for everyone.

She wrote this marvelous braid of scripture, history, and hysterics (read the rest of her diatribe here) while she was naked in her backyard.

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Make an Old Song New by Adding Jesus Lyrics

Now you too can play the Black Eyed Peas song for your worship set. Maybe we could call this version Black Eyed Peace!

Modern Way to Plan a Traditional Church Wedding

cofe weddings There is no real reason for engaged couples to bother busy pastors with their nuptial negotiations any longer. Thanks to the Church of England’s new website www.yourchurchwedding.org (which draws a third of a million visitors a year) these couples can choose their wedding hymns, Bible readings, order of service, and personalized vows before ever meeting with a vicar.

The website is an effort by the Church of England’s ‘Weddings Project’ to get people back into church. Funny thing is, in an effort to get couples into the church buildings for a ceremony they are achieving less face time with the actual people of the Church.

The current top 5 popular hymns being selected by these couples are:

  1. Give Me Joy in My Heart
  2. Amazing Grace
  3. We Pledge to One Another
  4. Make Me a Channel of Your Peace
  5. Jerusalem

#3 is a proper wedding song
#4 was written by St. Francis who was never married
#5 wonders if Jesus ever visited England and if not then they should probably have a crusade,
#2 is usually done at funerals
#1 is a Sunday School hit. At least it has a verse about the virgins having oil in their lamps until sundown. I guess this could be an appropriate wedding song.

Also, according to the Church of England:

  • A wedding is legal only if it happens between 8am and 6pm
  • More than half of young adults dream of marriage one day
  • You can get married in a CofE church whatever your beliefs
  • Marriage keeps you healthy, wealthy and wise
  • The Church offers family-friendly weddings for couples with children
  • You don't have to marry on a Saturday
  • You don't have to marry in white
  • Top reasons for choosing a church wedding are the venue, the vows and the Vicar
  • One third of all UK weddings are church weddings
  • The CofE will be at major wedding shows across the UK in 2010
  • Marriage is good for your sex life and actually provides more and better sex.

Honey, You Shrunk the Church

smallchurch This church in Minnesota is smaller than a queen-size bed, smaller than the bed of a Chevy pickup, and just barely bigger than a Twister mat.

It is just big enough for a preacher and two congregants.

There are two, one-person pews in the church.

It has been dubbed the “Little Chapel on the Prairie.”

People want to be married there. They must not want many gifts.

It is located in a cemetery.

Bruce Larson, the builder intended it as a "memorial for the homesteaders who settled this area."

It’s cute.

They have no plans for expansion.

Drive Through Divine Intervention

WCNC TV station from Charlotte, NC recently posted the following video of Pastor Jonathan Richardson and his drive up prayer ministry. They titled the piece “Would you like God with that? Drive through offers prayer.”

My favorite part of the story though are the comments:

Would you like God with that. What a STUPID, disrespectful, irrevant headline. You've done some dumb things WCNC but this is about the dumbest!

--unbiased

What an interesting ministry? I love this. There should be more of these. We need more prayer in this country. That is what is wrong with it.

I do have to say WCNC, that headline sucks.

--cindib

This is not a stupid headline, some might actually find it inspiring, and if you don't agree then you have the freedom not to read it. I would love to know where some you saw food in the article? In any event, this church is trying to make a difference, and I praise them for that. Taking religion completely out of it, how many of you out there are trying to make a difference in your community, in any form or fashion?

--mirrorimage

Yes mirrorimage, it IS a stupid headline. Equating God with an order of fries. If you don't get it you're not too bright. Their calling it a drive thru as in McDonalds. And asking if you'd like God with your burger??? That's blasphemous. Only an idiot would write a headline like that.

--unbiased

This was predicted years ago, because sheeple have been living in a drive threw religion for years. Only looking to religion when it feels good, & rejecting it when it pleases them. Come to my aid god because I oder you as a supper sizer need.

--truthteller87

The commenters definitely need some prayer – drive in or otherwise.

Funding Missions through Stud Fees

toby_the_horse_01_t640 Once Jesus paid his taxes from a coin found in a fish’s mouth. Jim and Sharon Borgeson, of Baldwin City, KS believe that Jesus is funding missions through their horse Toby. But instead looking for this gift in the horse’s mouth, this seed money is coming from Toby’s stud fees.

"The Lord tells us in Scripture, behold, I'm doing a new thing, and sometimes it doesn't look like what we're accustomed to." – Reverend Bob Giffen, the Borgesons’ Pastor.

$400 of each $550 stud session goes to the charity “The People’s Horse Inc.” with the remainder going to the breeder.

The Borgesons themselves have worked as Toby’s agents in Nicaragua. This fall, the Borgesons will head to the country for the fourth time, this time to supervise the building of a church there paid for with Toby-secured funds.

Toby’s never gotten to go to Nicaragua himself, but this summer, a little bit of him will touch down there. A few months ago, the ministry was gifted a mare, named Red, by a Baldwin City woman. Red is now pregnant by Toby, and she soon will be headed to Nicaragua. There, she will give birth, and the hope is that another arm of the ministry will be born in Central America, thus continuing Toby’s legacy.

“We’re hoping that she has a son,” says Jim, getting teary-eyed just at the thought. “And his name will be ‘El Hijo de Toby,’ which stands for the ‘son of Toby.”

Though this sounds like a story from The Onion, it is actually quoted from the Lawrence Journal World and News.

I’m wondering if anyone will pay for The Squirrel’s stud fees if he gives 73% to Christian Charity? The JoS website could be turned into “The People’s Squirrel Inc.” I guess we’ll pray about it.

Hitler’s Stormtroopers were Homosexuals, Not sure about Vadar’s

“Hitler discovered he could not get straight soldiers to be savage and brutal and vicious enough to carry out his orders but that homosexual soldiers basically had no limits to the savagery and brutality they were willing to inflict on whoever sent them after.”

Once again Brian Fischer and the American Family Association make me want to add an ‘Idiot’ tag to the JoS score card. For now we will just chalk this up to the bad fruit of religion.

Are Human Dominos Proof of the Holy Spirit?

Is Kenneth Hagin playing human dominos with the crowed really the evidence of the Holy Spirit?

Jesus Appears in Portuguese Playboy

To mark Nobel-winning writer Jose Saramago's death, Portuguese Playboy took inspiration from Saramago novel The Gospel According to Jesus Christ—a fictional reimagining of Christ's life as a flawed human—with explicit images showing Jesus glowing in the corner during a lesbian sex scene, next to a street hooker, and over the shoulder of a random topless lady reading a book. – Gawker

No link provided as it is NSFW

jesus_playboy This even made The Squirrel upset.

Be Anointed Like Todd Bentley!

FF-SoS-The-Anointing-Workbo

Friends it has been in my heart for years to do this brand new school of the spirit, an intensive school on the Anointing. I've learned many things over the years about the power of God and how to flow in the anointing. In this intensive 4 day school I want to impart it to you. Teaching will include how to steward and minister the anointing, fresh oil, Holy spirit, different anointings, kingly oil, healing and the anointing, how to flow in the Holy Ghost and more. There will be lots of personal ministry and impartation times. Expect refreshing and the joy of the Lord.

Those that register for the Anointing School by July 5th will receive the special edition manual signed by Todd Bentley with a personal message tailored just for you!

The Squirrel tried to register, but was denied a spot in the brand new school. I think it was his insistence that he wanted the un-special edition of the manual, no signature by Todd, and a 20% discount.

Watching Chuck Swindoll Die

chuckswindoll Recently Pastor Chuck Swindoll, aged 75, (pastor of Stonebriar Community Church in Frisco, Texas, and radio host of the popular Insight For Living radio broadcast) shared the following at a pastor’s conference:

"One of my great goals in life is to live long enough to where I am in the pulpit, preaching my heart out, and I die on the spot, my chin hits the pulpit—boom!—and I'm down and out. What a way to die!"

Maybe Chuck needs to consider how potentially disturbing that scene would be for his 5000+ member congregation, including the over 1200 children. Whatever happened to passing away peacefully in your sleep or secretly wishing for a chariot like Elijah? Why does Chuck feel the need to take one on the chin for Jesus?

Maybe his church board needs to set down with him and outline some insights for dying.

Watch TV the Way Jesus Does

doerstv According to Doer’s TV.com they are the Internet’s first true Christian Network. Their premise is simple- present the Gospel through free Christian programming (tv shows, reality shows, and movies).

They have 21 channels of material. But be warned, not everything is as it may seem.

  • The Women’s Channel is actually just filled with Beth Moore videos. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but Beth just doesn’t encompass all of Christian femininity, or at least I hope she doesn’t.
  • The Food Channel must be on a diet as there are no videos available. Maybe their are no Christian chefs.
  • The Christian Sports network also scores a big zero for being empty. Tim Tebow where are you?
  • The “”How To channel is limited to “How to Witness” featuring Kirk Cameron. I wonder how many Way of the Master graduates it takes to screw in a lightbulb?
  • Channel 4 is the Steven Wright School of Ministry. I thought that guy was the comedian who said things like, “I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.” Who knew he also did ministry training? I guess he always was a peripheral visionary.

If you click on the Power Button underneath their player you will find out how God had given them the Power to make the programming free. I clicked on it for you. It is a mixture of online advertising and a Christian home shopping network.

Yes, it is pleasant to have a Christian network that doesn’t solicit viewers for donations, charge a monthly subscriptions, or air fundraising telethons. Just wish they had something worth watching.

Jimmy Kimmel shines the light on Christian Protestors

spotlight_on_jesus A group known as "Survivors of the Abortion Holocaust" picketed outside Jimmy Kimmel’s studio.

The news report I read didn’t mention why they had targeted Jimmy. It could have been that they didn’t like his response to Tim Tebow’s Pro Life Superbowl ad. It could have been that he used to date Sarah Silverman who can be shockingly perverse. Or it could have been that they aren’t allowed to laugh at his jokes so they’d like him to be taken off the air.

Some of the members of Jimmy’s crew taunted the picketers and turned their commercial spotlights on them. The survivors claim to have been injured by the high intensity lights. Seems the protesters crave the spotlight but are burned when they get it.

Having not gotten the message that Jimmy and his friends don’t appreciate their presence the group has now demanded an apology and decided to renew their protest to the front of the studio.

Maybe this is a just a clever way to turn the other cheek. Hopefully they can even out their tans.

Is Jesus is a Tagger?

onenationundergodWhen a secular group in Charlotte, N.C. recently put up a large billboard with the words “One Nation Indivisible” choosing to omit the words “under God” that had been inserted in the American Pledge of Allegiance, somebody added it back in.

Seeing that this atheist propaganda took place on Billy Graham Parkway, the police are expected to find out where the elderly evangelist spent yesterday evening . If his hands are clean of the blue spray paint they may need to question a higher authority. Or a Squirrel.

The Reason Natalee Holloway Died

200px-Natalee_Holloway_yearbook_photo The preacher was nearing his crescendo in his message to the teens and their adult parents.

“And do you want to know why Natalee Holloway is dead?”

Even though I thought about yelling out the answer like we were playing a trivia game I rightly surmised that this was a rhetorical question.

“She died in Aruba because she was drunk. She has herself to blame.”

Now I was speechless.

“And her mother too. Her mom allowed her to go to a country where the drinking age is lower than the US. She knew that her daughter was going there to drink. And now her daughter is dead.”

Now I was angry.

Though I can appreciate that this preacher has seen the damage that can result from alcoholism and drunkenness he is using bad judgment when he combines the gospel with his fear based message to try and keep kids from drinking.

Natalee Holloway is dead because she was murdered. It doesn’t matter how drunk she was, what her motivation in going to Aruba was, or even who she chose to hang out with. She and her family were the victims of a violent crime by a murderer. And any person that tries to shift the blame on the Holloways is calloused, and any message that does so is ignorant hype.

The Original Star Wars Premise

An article in the WorldNetDaily asks this question.

Is it possible the return of Jesus Christ to Earth has been foretold not only in the Bible, but also in the night sky since the creation of the universe?

A Christian minister who uses NASA tracking of solar and lunar eclipses in his teaching of the great event is now explaining how at least one constellation is an outright declaration of the "Second Coming."

arcturus-bootes Mark Biltz, a pastor from Washington bases his premise on a star called Arcturus, which is mentioned in the Job 9:9.

If one were to consult a map of the night sky, Arcturus could be found in the "left knee" of a constellation called Bo-otes (often spelled Bootes), meaning "the Coming One," depicted as a warrior coming to harvest, according to Biltz, citing previous research by noted 19th century Bible scholar E.W. Bullinger who wrote "The Witness of the Stars."

Biltz explains the Hebrew word translated as "Arcturus" in Job comes from the same root word found in the Book of Joel discussing the return of Jesus, but is rendered in Joel 3:11 as "assemble."

"The word 'assemble' is the same word that is translated as 'Arcturus' in Job," he said. "So it means the same thing, to assemble, to come. And if you'll notice the word 'come' is 'bo,' which is the name of this constellation: 'Bo-otes.' So this constellation .... He's got a sickle in one hand and a spear in the other. This is a sign of the Messiah who says 'I'm coming.' That's what this constellation is all about, the Coming One. In Revelation it talks about He has a sickle in His hand."

The Squirrel looks up in the sky and sees lots of pretty, white lights, but has never seen a spear or sickle.

Why Jim turns away Aids Orphans

From the Mission Network News

Al with PNG ChildWith the highest rate of AIDS infection in the world, sub-Saharan Africa--Zambia, especially--has an astounding number of orphans. Coupled with improper hygiene and poor conditions, the death and illness rates have soared in the Misisi Compound of Lusaka, Zambia.

Such a crisis breaks the hearts of Kids Alive International workers, especially field director Jim Kongwa. He told Kids Alive he can no longer hold orphans brought to him because almost all of them are turned away for lack of facilities; many later die from malnutrition or other forms of neglect.

Since Kids Alive cannot help each of these individual kids, they have developed a program titled "Families Together," which empowers the relatives of orphans and vulnerable children to care for these kids.

Without this program, most of these children would either die or be forced to live on the streets, resigned to prostitution or criminal activity to make a living. Instead, "Families Together" provides food, clothing and other necessities. Additionally, as Kids Alive looks to rebuild the lives of kids, they also piece together and restore the community around them, ultimately sharing the hope Christ offers them for today and the future.

While the need is staggering and it is easy to get discouraged by such a momentous this task, Kids Alive is starting out small to help the kids they can, then broadening their scope once the program takes off. Currently, they are looking to reach out to 25 kids in the most dire of circumstances.

Find out more on their Website

Bikers are Dysfunctional, and Love Key Chains

Biker Chaplain Scott Bush, 48, has been ministering to bikers for nearly 20 years, the last five years as a nationally appointed Assembly of God Missionary

Wheel of Dysfunction“At biker rallies, we set up a booth just like any other vendor and I have a motorcycle wheel called the 'Wheel of dysfunction.' We spin it and whatever dysfunction it lands on, that's the biker's dysfunction. They'll spin the wheel and land on one of these dysfunctions and their buddies will start laughing, and in less than two minutes we've built a relationship, a rapport with them," Bush says. "We then take them to the tent because everyone who spins, wins a prize, and we give them a salvation bracelet or key chain - at that point, we explain the steps to salvation and then God does the rest."

"As I tell my volunteers, if you can win someone to you, you can win them to the Lord," Bush says. "If they don't like you, you're not going to be very successful."

For more information about Chaplain Scott Bush's ministry to bikers or to learn how to volunteer with his ministry, see his Web site.

Mockery Gets You Nowhere

Four Christian Attorney’s on a Mission to Judge

A group of conservative Christian attorney’s in California were attempting to win judicial seats from judges who didn’t pass their muster.

Welcome to BetterCourtsNow.com. The most innovative approach to unifying the moral vote. Better Courts Now, is an attempt to network with you in a way that allows you to become a change agent in making judges accountable. Join the fight and let your voice be heard!

"We believe our country is under assault and needs Christian values," said Craig Candelore, a family law attorney who is one of the group’s candidates. "Unfortunately, God has called upon us to do this only with the judiciary."

Apparently Jesus forgot to vote. All four sitting, godless judges won by hefty margins, each garnering about two-thirds of the vote. This equates to 66.6%, which we all know is the Mark of the Beast.

Anglican Church says Overpopulation may Break Eighth Commandment

In a bold move for a Christian church, Australia's Anglican Church has linked overpopulation to the eighth commandment given to Moses on Mount Sinai: 'Thou shall not steal', according to The Age.

The General Synod (the governing body of Australia's Anglican Church) has released a discussion paper that states "out of care for the whole of creation, particularly the poorest of humanity and the life forms who cannot speak for themselves […] it is not responsible to stand by and remain silent [on the issue of overpopulation]."

So apparently what God really meant was “Be fruitful, but don’t over-multiply.”

Can Your VBS Deliver what the Children Want?

An article from Tennessee TV station WBIR

It looks and feels like a rock concert. The lights and sound create electric energy.

"This ain't your grandma's VBS," First Baptist Concord Pastor Doug Sager.

It's Concord Quest, a five day vacation Bible school where 3,000 young people will pack the sanctuary at Concord, to view a powerful production.

"The villain Verigon is trying to take over Dani who's the leader of the Jets the band, and brainwash them into following him," VBS student Jackson Bowder says.

Inspired by the movie X-Men, Concord created a live theatrical performance with an original script and music.

"We try to find out what's hot, what the kids are talking about and then we kind of write the script," Sager says.

The story of good vs. evil is more alive than ever, thanks to the church's media and production team. The tech savvy VBS is what draws hundreds of young people every year.

"They've got ipods, I mean they're on the internet everyday, and when they come to church and we don't have something that's high tech for them they get the idea that church is irrelevant, that church is boring," Sager says. "We have a group of folks here that get it, so when kids walk in here for our VBS it's power."

If the music and flash doesn't do it, Concord is hip on the latest fad called silly bands.

"The kids trade them, that's what I've been doing all morning is swapping with kids," Sager says. "I'll say, 'i'll trade you a guitar for a mic and a boom or I'll trade you a guitar for a drum set.'"

Didn’t Jesus have some powerful words of warning about keeping children from actually coming to Him?

Christian Movie Marathon

On Saturday, June 12th, the NRB Network will broadcast ten hours of inspiring, Christian movie classics.

Now I don’t have cable, but I’ve seen my share of religious programming. I’ve never heard of any of these 10 films.

  • Late One Night
  • Invisible Enemies
  • Second Glance
  • Future Tense
  • Pamela's Prayer
  • Behind The Sun
  • The Gathering
  • Bamboo in Winter
  • Years of The Beast: Part 1 of 2
  • Years of The Beast: Part 2 of 2
  • What makes these movies classic?

    Now if they played “A Thief in the Night” that would be classic!

    Born-again Big Brother in Britain

    David VaughanAccording to Christian Today

    A born-again Christian minister who believes in UFOs and time travel is one of the 14 contestants selected for the last ever series of Big Brother.

    David claims to have travelled through time and space. He became a Christian nearly 20 years ago after a period of dabbling with drink and drugs and is the chief organizer of alternative Christian festival, Sloshfest, which encourages revelers to party on a natural high brought on by their belief in God.

    Ultrasound Jesus

    jesuswomb ChurchAds say their upcoming Christmas ad in England is not meant to be a pro-life campaign the way that Britain’s national Secular Council claims.

    "Our poster reflects this new way of announcing the news of a new arrival and places the birth of Christ in an ultra-contemporary context."

    Apparently this picture is something Joseph would have pinned up in the carpenter’s shop and something that Mary would have treasured in her heart.

    Is that Snake Oil or Jesus’ Blood?

    See what happens when Prophet Woody Martin from Tennessee gets called on the carpet for his magical Blood of Jesus elixir.

    Found on JesusNeedsNewPR.net and Funtimeinternet.com

    A Relaxing Alternative to Yoga

    Since many Christians perceive yoga to be demonic in nature, The Squirrel is suggesting another proven way to contort your body into the same, relaxing positions. It’s called Drinking.

    Savasana
    Position of total relaxation.
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    Balasana
    Position that brings the sensation of peace and calm.
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    Setu Bandha Sarvangasana
    This position calms the brain and heals tired legs.
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    Marjayasana
    Position stimulates the midirift area and the spinal comumn.
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    Halasana
    Excellent for back pain and insomnia.
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    Dolphin
    Excellent for the shoulder area, thorax, legs, and arms.
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    Salambhasana
    Great exercise to stimulate the lumbar area, legs, and arms.
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    Ananda Balasana
    This position is great for massaging the hip area.
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    Malasana
    This position, for ankles and back muscles.
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    Thanks to Robynn and  http://yougottobekidding.wordpress.com