Mark’s Birthday

If you didn’t get the point to this movie please pay attention. Baby Jesus wants to blow out his own damn candles – anything less makes him cry.

Christian Sisters Rebuttal to Rick Perry

The Squirrel wants to know when these girls are old enough to run for political office.

A Great Anti Tea Party Sign

protest_sign

*snicker*

Looking Slick, Missing the Love

Matt_SlickPresident and Founder of the Christian Apologetics and Research Ministry, Matt Slick, spent the evening protesting W. Paul Young’s (the author of The Shack) speech at Northwest Nazarene University in Nampa, Idaho.

He missed an incredible night of stories of God’s intimate and loving involvement in our lives while standing on the street corner letting people they shouldn’t be attending what he thought would be a heretical discussion.

He tried to get into a discussion with me about universalism when I went out to take his picture. He asked me if I thought everybody was forgiven. I told him I thought that was Jesus’ point on the cross – “Forgive them, Papa, they are clueless what they are doing.” I thought it was a slick answer but Slick didn’t seem to think so.

If Jesus had been born a cat

2683de01-b6d9-4f56-bb08-b593a2968fdb_thumb

This plate was definitely Satan’s idea.

A Smile That Will Make You Cry

Pretty sure this one is Jesus.

What is Love?

b5b207be-a4b9-4c7c-adf1-49ace5a8cf7f_thumb

Wizard of Oz is a God-hating Movie

Watch Pastor David Grace act out the satanic movie, The Wizard of Oz. I think he missed his calling.

Religious Reality TV– SAVE ME!

My friend Jim Henderson is putting together a reality program where people of different faiths “go to any length to spread their message.”

Contestants will play for the opportunity to have their message heard and possibly win converts, as well as the chance to win a significant cash prize that will be donated to the cause or organization of the winner’s choice.

If you are interested, go to the audition page and submit your video application by midnight, September 6, 2011.

Here are the questions you will need to cover in your 4 minute video:

  1. What is your name and where are you from?
  2. What religion do you practice or follow and what is the name of your denomination or
    group within the religion?  (ex. Christian, Presbyterian)
  3. Do you believe it is the one true or best religion? Yes/No    Why? (50 words or less)
  4. What’s your story of being “saved or joining” your religion? (150 words or less)
  5. What is the process your religion typically uses to convert people? What does it look like? (150 words or less)
  6. What happens to people who accept your faith? Tell us about the afterlife reward (100
    words or less)
  7. What happens to people who reject your religion’s beliefs? Tell us about the afterlife
    punishment. (100 words or less)
  8. Why are you willing to give up several weeks of your life with no pay? (100 words or less)

Crack in Washington Monument is a Sign from God

Televangelist Pat Robertson suggested Wednesday that cracks in the Washington Monument caused by the August 23 earthquake could be a sign from God, and the natural disaster “means that we’re closer to the coming of the Lord.”

To explain the rare east coast quake, Robertson pointed to the Biblical prophecy of the end of the world, which claims there could be potential devastation from natural disasters leading up to Jesus' return to Earth.

On his television show, "The 700 Club," Robertson said:

"I don't want to get weird on this, so please take it for what it's worth, but it seems to me the Washington Monument is a symbol of America's power. It has been the symbol of our great nation, we look at that monument and we say this is one nation under God. Now there's a crack in it."

"Is that a sign from the Lord? Is that something that has significance, or is it just the result of an earthquake?" Robertson asked his viewers.

When asked about it God just responded, "You know Pat. He just cracks me up!"

Christian lady talks about people who don't act like Christians

...and then she demonstrates what she is talking about.

The Judgment found stashed in Episcopal Church

judgment

A famous Rembrandt sketch called, The Judgment, was stolen last week at the Ritz-Carlton in Marina del Rey. It was recovered by deputies after being tipped off that the famous artwork had been seen in the office of Father Mike Cooper at the Saint Nicholas Episcopal Church in Encino, California.

No one has been arrested for the theft.The pastor is not considered to be a suspect. Deputies removed the sketch and took it back to their precinct lockup.

Hopefully this won’t be the last time judgment is removed from the house of God.

Italian Monks call for Plague of Diarrhea

jesus with gun

GIVE ME BACK MY BIBLE!!! (Jesus in his best Mel Gibson voice from the movie Ransom.)

A group of Franciscan friars furious at the theft of bibles from their church in Florence have taken the unusual step of praying for the thief to be struck down by diarrhea.

Friars at the 15th century church of San Salvatore al Monte, which was a favorite of Michelangelo, were irritated when a rare and expensive bible disappeared from the lectern, and they flew off the handle when a replacement bible donated by a worshipper also went missing and within a few hours.

In a note, pinned up in full view of worshippers, the friars say they hope the thief sees the error of his ways. But in case he does not, they add: "We pray to God that the thief is struck by a strong bout of the shits."

This turn of events will, they hope, "encourage him to carry out no further thefts".

Described by La Stampa newspaper as "the product of the Tuscan ability to be ironic about anything", the note and its unorthodox request will be forgiven, claim one of the friars. "It is not exactly clean language," the friar said, "but we couldn't put up with it any longer. The Lord and the faithful will understand."

found at The Guardian

Apparently if someone needs a shirt, you are supposed to give them your jacket too. If they want you to carry their school books for a mile, you carry it a second one. But if they need, and take, your Bible, you should call down a good case of the shits on them.

Michele Bachmann is King David

Hey-BP-Michele-Bachmann-Loves-Her-Some-OilPeter Waldron, a staffer involved in Michele Bachmann’s faith outreach, has compared Texas Governor Rick Perry to Old Testament King Saul and Bachmann to King David. On his Facebook page the day after Bachmann’s straw poll victory in Iowa on Saturday, Waldron wrote, "From afar and in prayer I see a Saul and David scenario between Perry and Bachmann. One looks everything like a king while the other is anointed." Waldron later told his followers that Bachmann "fights with the anointing of God upon her."

found on Religion Dispatches

Dare I say, SQUIRREL!

Tune in next week when Bachmann is compared to Moses.

Even Jesus Thinks Rick is an Jerk

Ten steps to make Jesus rethink unconditional love.

  1. Find someone on Craigslist trying to find a good home for their dog.
  2. Pretend to be somebody that you’re not.
  3. Pretend to provide care that you won’t give.
  4. Take ownership of the dog.
  5. Place a new ad the next day on Craigslist selling the same dog for money.
  6. Make up a story to this family too.
  7. Ignore original owner when they call to check up on their dog.
  8. Start process over.
  9. When caught, lie.
  10. When a reporter shows up, pretend that you know and love Jesus.

Footprints In the Sand – Updated

Footprints_In_The_Sand_by_madilar"That time you looked back and only saw one set of footprints? That's when I unfollowed you."

No Longer Welcome at New Welcome Baptist

Stop me if you’ve heard this one.

Fight Worth FightingThe Worship leader and the Senior Pastor weren’t getting along. The pastor didn’t like the Worship leader’s song selections, probably didn’t like his attitude and choice of foot ware either.

The Worship leader didn’t like the Senior Pastor either. Figured he should stick to teaching the Word and stop micromanaging the other ministries in the church, especially since he couldn’t carry a tune to save his life.

It all came to a head during communion, when Christian brothers are supposed to deal with their oughts against each other. Pastor Riley held out the grape juice to Worship leader Simone Moore but Simone wouldn’t take it from him. This caused Pastor Riley to get hot, cause Lord knows the refusal was nothing less than insubordination.

Pastor Riley decided to fire Simone after church the next Sunday in the presence of all the deacons. Simone decided to ask for his last paycheck with his mother, Agolia, as his witness.

"They owed him. He asked them for his money. That was the big thing right there, wasn't no more or no less," Agolia said.

That was when Deacon Hunt pulled out his knife and started slashing at people, hitting Agolia in the arm.

“Oh my god he done cut me!" yelled Agolia.

Simone, not one to watch his mother be attacked without fighting back whipped out his taser and zapped Pastor Riley.

Agolia, who required 19 stitches and a surgery says she know longer feels welcome at New Welcome Baptist Church and will look for a new place to worship God. Simone will look for a new job. Riley will look for a more affable worship leader. And Jesus will look for better representation in Prichard, Alabama.

Captain Israel vs. Foreskin Man

Whether you see circumcision as Male Genital Mutilation or a sacred religious right you now have a superhero fighting for your cause.

Which do you think looks best is superhero tights? Actually, never mind.

2011-08-02-foreskinci

Original article at Huffington Post by author John Shore

Devil’s Balls

Devils balls

Makes me rethink egg salad sandwiches… I love this summary of the book on Amazon.com.

Summary: Are Your Children Playing With Lucifer's Testicles? is a Bible based book for Christian parents who by lack of faith can't afford to send their children to a decent Christian school.  Their precious youngsters are infected by the secular filth and lies being taught by unsaved teachers in America's public school system.

Found at BabyJesusOnACross.tumblr.com

The Real Housewives of the Bible

Yep, there is a TV show recreating famous housewives in the Bible set in a modern day context.

housewives

“There is a lot of drama in the Bible.”

The Last Supper UFO

The eclectic restaurant under the Morrison Bridge in Portland, OR known as Le Bistro Montage has a large painting of Jesus and the disciples eating the last supper there in the restaurant. Above Jesus’ head and to the right is an image of a UFO.

Circle who God Loves Most

god_loves_most

Rosita Boland, a Journalist from the Irish Times, found her old religion workbook from primary school. This lesson conveniently teaches children the hierarchy of God’s love.

Can your Church Ushers Handle Deer Visitations?

2 Samuel 22:34
He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he causes me to stand on the heights run through the sanctuary with abandon.

An Angry Villager locks up Christian Bellringers

angry_scrooge According to a story at Christian Today

An elderly man fed up with the sound of church bells took drastic action on Sunday when he locked a team of bellringers inside the church where they were practicing.

The unidentified man climbed the steps to the belfry of Saint John the Evangelist, in Sharow, near Ripon, Yorkshire, and vented his anger on the six musicians, swearing at them and threatening to damage their cars.

He then proceeded to trap the group inside the belfry by wedging a piece of wood in the tower door.

They were freed around half an hour later by church member Sandra Price, who heard them banging as she locked up.

The bellringers had come up to Sharow from the south of England for the three-hour practice session.

A complaint has been made against the man but police said they are not investigating the incident.

Not investigating the incident? This blatant disregard of persecution against Christians is appalling. If we let this slide the villagers will start locking up other annoying Christians in their churches.

Then again I think Jesus uses the following bell curve himself:

  • 30 minutes of bellringing = worship
  • 1 hour of bellringing = novelty wears thin
  • 2 hours of bellringing = disrupts spiritual warfare
  • 3 hours of bellringing = annoys both Holy Spirit and neighbors

Pedophile Priest Shows the Abuse isn’t Over

seppia Father Riccardo Seppia, a 51-year-old parish priest in the village of Sastri Ponente, near Genoa, was arrested last Friday, May 13, on pedophilia and drug charges. Investigators say that in tapped mobile-phone conversations, Seppia asked a Moroccan drug dealer to arrange sexual encounters with young and vulnerable boys. "I do not want 16-year-old boys but younger. Fourteen-year-olds are O.K. Look for needy boys who have family issues," he allegedly said.

Seppia's defense lawyers are expected to argue that those conversations — monitored since Oct. 20, 2010 — were just words, sex games that were played by adults. It was just a game even when he claimed to have "kissed on the mouth" a 15-year-old altar boy, according to the defense.

Questioned by the investigators, the altar boy reportedly confirmed the attempted kiss. Another male minor who, according to the investigators, was stalked with messages and pressing invitations, will be questioned soon. Psychologists are helping Carabinieri police officers obtain testimony from the alleged victims. "The boys are ashamed to talk and to admit what happened," says one of the investigators. The evidence amounts to at least 50 messages and phone calls. In the tapped phone conversations, the drug dealer contacted the boys and gave their phone numbers to the priest, who paid them with cocaine or 50 euros each time for sexual intercourse.

Read more at Time magazine

The Squirrel thinks that Rob Bell should reconsider his position on Hell. Maybe we do need one.

Found at Christian Nightmares

Jesus Still Turns Water into Wine

Great prank!

Hey Catholic Church: This Answers Nothing

priest-confessional The Roman Catholic Church put out another report, commissioned by our nation’s bishops, about patterns of clergy sex abuse in their churches.

They claim that the abuse was because of poor training in how to live a celibate life—not celibacy itself. They have already declared in a separate study that the reason the majority of the victims have been boys is not because of an all male clergy or homosexuality in the priesthood, but just because access to boys was greater than girls.

I recently read a book by a Catholic Priest who was a lot closer to the situation than I will ever be. He didn’t blame homosexuality for the abuse, but he had some pretty harsh things to be said against the celibacy requirement in the church—and it wasn’t about lack of training. Another charge that he made over and over in his book was about church cover-ups and turning the other way when the abuse was occuring. That’s what makes this next line from the AP news story so infuriating.

According to the report, only a tiny percentage of accused priests — less than 5 percent — could be technically defined as pedophiles. The authors of the study define pedophile as an adult with an intense sexual attraction to prepubescent children.

GOOD GRIEF! It seems we’re back to the “It depends upon what your definition of ‘is’ is.” If we define liars as those who lie, and murders as those who kill, then those who performed acts of sexual abuse on children and minors are nothing less than pedophiles, no matter how you dance around it.

Listen up, you red cloaked bishops; redefining pedophilia so that it doesn’t match the abusing actions of your priests solves nothing. NOTHING! It just makes us hotter under the collar. What we want is for you and your church to take a good, long look at your face in the mirror and then in the eyes of your victims. Get out from inside the safety of the boxes you’ve created and let’s see some real confession.

Is that a Cross on Your Dashboard?

Or are you just happy to see me?

PHALLIC-CROSS2 In England a taxi company was asked by the local council to remove a cross from one of it’s vehicle’s dashboards. Clair Cook, owner of AnD Taxis finds the reason “ridiculous.”

The problem wasn’t that the Roman Catholic driver was proselytizing the fares, it wasn’t because there was a religious ornament on display. No the reason that the teenage boy complained to the council was because he thought the miniature blue cross looked like a “fake penis” and was “very phallic.”

Unfortunately the council, in its zeal to protect the public from obscene material, passed on the complaint to the taxi company and the driver.

What should have happened is that someone should have put the 15-year-old boy back in a taxi and driven him to his doctor. If he thinks that blue cross is representative of a penis, he may require some medical attention.

Proof that the Pope reads “Jesus or Squirrel”

pope_face_palm

Image found at SacredSandwich.com

Have a Seat on Jesus’ Lap

jesus-chair

This is sure to create more intimacy in your prayer and devotion time.

In other news, I love having the freedom to poke fun at things that are supposed to look like Jesus, or be about Jesus, but are really about something else. (I wasn’t allowed to post things like this when I was in “full-time ministry” even though we’d discuss it in our offices together.) And though I have no intention of shutting down this blog, I realize there are other conscientious bloggers who are quickly and consistently exposing this kind of religious bric-a-brac and hypocrisy on the blogosphere. I don’t feel the need to replicate things that they are already posting. A couple of the great ones you should follow are : JesusNeedsNewPR.Net and ChristianNighmares.com.

I think I will focus on the religious items that I really feel moved to write my own commentary about. It may be further are farther between posts, but they will be worth chewing on, like a great steak.

Thanks for your support and commentary along the way!

Being Effeminate is a Sin

And Justin Bieber is an effeminate, little sissy

Don’t be a sissified, Bieberfied, metrosexual male. The Bible (according to pastor Steven Anderson) says you have to show yourself to be a manly man, not effeminate twinkies.

Jesus does not love gender neutrality, nor apparently, Justin Bieber.

Is it just me, or does Pastor Anderson have an effeminate voice himself?

The Virgin Mary visited Wisconsin. No, really!

Mary

On December 8, 2010, Bishop David L. Ricken of the Diocese of Green Bay concluded a two-year investigation into the validity of the apparitions at the Shrine of Our Lady of Good Help, making the Wisconsin site the 13th Marian apparition site in the world to be formally recognized since the Vatican established a new approval process in 1978. Although the site has attracted a steady trickle of pilgrims since the 1860s, the Bishop’s announcement brings international recognition to an extremely obscure place. It is the only approved site of a Marian apparition in the U.S., and one of only two in North America—the other being the world-famous Basilica of Our Lady of Guadalupe in Mexico.

- read more here at Religion Dispatches

brett-favre number 4

Katy Perry’s Mom on Katie’s Future Vocation

KATHRYN_KUHLMAN On what she wants Katy to become:

“[A worship leader] a Kathryn Kuhlman type of healer.”

"I recognized the psalmist gift in her performance. Yet she sang out, 'I kissed a girl, and I liked it,' while thousands joined her," The New York Post's Page Six reported after obtaining Mary Perry Hudson’s full book proposal about raising the Pop Star.

Driscolls know better about Providing for your Kids

Women are built to be home with their kids… so that they don’t malign the Word of God.” – Mrs. Mark Driscoll

What exactly does scripture imply when it says a man that doesn’t provide for his family is worse than an unbeliever?

  • Can a man provide by taking care of needs at home?
  • Can a husband cook if his wife doesn’t want to?
  • Can a father home school if he has a better skill set at it than his wife?
  • Can a man work out of his home?
  • What does the scripture imply “providing” really is?
  • Is a man providing by being on unemployment between jobs?
  • Is a woman not providing appropriate things for her family if she has a job? Is God really maligned by this?
  • Can a woman have a job inside the home, or is that overstepping her biblically defined role?
  • Is it okay if a woman has a job as long as she takes her kid with them?
  • Does the Bible say the mother is always the best equipped parent to handle the various needs of her children?
  • What does a woman do if all her kids are in school? Volunteer at the local Mar’s Hill satellite?

Pastor Mark says, “If you want to have a good marriage, a good family, that honors God, you need to establish your home according to biblical principles.” And what he infers by that is the Biblical principles that he has interpreted as being right and wrong.

He has, after all, read the whole book.

I must have missed some things.

Apple Removes App that would have Cured Gays

gay cure app  According to the Daily Intel

Apple decided to remove an app from iTunes that purported to "cure" gay people. The developers, Exodus International, a group that defines itself as a “nonprofit, interdenominational ‘ex-gay’ Christian organization,” got the app past Apple's initial preapproval and even scored a 4+ rating in February. But after 150,000 people signed a petition calling it "hateful and bigoted," it was removed last night. Jeff Buchanan of Exodus International said, “There is a lot of misinformation and propaganda floating around about the Intent and the purpose of the app.” Of course, Buchanan neglected to mention that at least one researcher asked Apple to remove the app because Exodus grossly distorted his research.

Don’t worry, Exodus, there is always the Android platform.

Only Skinny, White People to be Raptured

skinny_rapture

What theology did you learn from Christian comics?

Does Going to Church Make You Fat?

Alternate title: Get off the pew, Fat A@%

fat_christians According to research from the Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine, young adults who frequently attend religious activities are 50 percent more likely to turn into obese middle-agers than those with no religious involvement.

The researchers acknowledge there are many potential explanations for the association between religious participation and obesity.

  • One may simply be that religious gatherings often may center around eating traditional, high-calorie comfort foods, said Matthew Feinstein, the study's lead investigator.
  • Or perhaps, young adults with a propensity toward weight problems find more acceptance and less judgment in church groups.
  • Maybe religious faith gives some sort of physiological high similar to physical exercise, but without the burn off of calories.
  • Or maybe, as Purdue University sociologist  Ken Ferraro has suggested with his previous work, "churches are a feeding ground for gluttony and obesity."

Baptist women are at highest risk of obesity, followed by Fundamental Protestants, according to Ferraro's work.

Found at the Chicago Tribune

Burn and Rot in Hell!

Burn and rot in hell Have you ever been really, really glad that Rob Bell just doesn’t get it, because, the truth is, you are elated that there is a place where your enemies can burn for eternity?

Elizabeth Cucinotta, who loves to rant on the people and things she hates, is helping people vent their frustration by giving them a place to voice their ‘burns.’ Her website Burn and Rot in Hell lets people get all Lucifer on who they think deserves eternal punishment and why. Everyone from former Presidents, Fox News, and Glenn Beck are already procuring their burn votes.

It would be a good idea to see if your name has been listed on this website of wishful torment. If not, perhaps you will want to post your own burn in one of the following categories:

  • Husbands/Boyfriends
  • Wives/Girlfriends
  • Exes
  • In-laws
  • Relatives
  • Bad Friendships
  • Bosses/Coworkers
  • Bad Teachers
  • Bad Students
  • Celebrities
  • Sports
  • Rude People
  • Politics
  • Sex
  • Other Stuff

p.s. Cucinotta, a teacher at a Catholic prep school in Queens, lost her job for creating this site. I think they listed her under the “Bad Teachers” section.

Pole Dancing For Jesus – Now with Laugh Track!

What else can we do “for Jesus?”

BAM, BAM, BAM! Do you think its Jesus?

Hey Pastor, Can I ask a Quick Question?

This made The Squirrel laugh!

There once was a Woman from Nantucket

nantucket Who’s heading strait to hell in a bucket.

She thought she heard God

But the message was odd

When it sounds like Satan please duck it.

NANTUCKET — The woman accused of killing her 3-year-old daughter earlier this week believed God had instructed her to stick a rose in the young girl's throat to ward off the devil, according to documents filed in Nantucket District Court.

Story at Cape Cod Times.

Man takes OT literally, Stones Neighbor

Found on NBC Philadelphia

A 28-year-old Upper Darby man has been charged with murder after telling police that he stoned a 70-year-old man to death when the man made homosexual advances toward him, authorities say.

John Joe Thomas, 28, of Sunshine Road in Upper Darby, spent almost every day with 70-year-old Murray Seidman at Seidman’s Lansdowne home, police say. Days before Seidman’s body was found on Jan. 12, Thomas allegedly beat Seidman to death with a sock full of rocks.

Thomas told authorities that he read in the Old Testament that homosexuals should be stoned to death. When Seidman allegedly made homosexual advances toward him over a period of time, Thomas said he received a message in his prayers that he must end Seidman’s life, according to court documents.

Police say that Thomas struck Seidman in the head about 10 times with the sock of rocks. Thomas left Seidman dead in his apartment, and then threw his bloody clothing and the bloody sock in a dumpster, according to authorities.

Though the relationship is still unknown, Thomas was the sole executor of Seidman's will.

That wasn’t Jesus answering John Joe Thomas’ prayer.

rocks

Healing Prayer Video Game

Do you really think Jesus is the author of Pentecostal Mortal Kombat?

Kneel on This, Mr. Muslim!

A Muslim man shows up outside the White House to pray every couple of days. The local police officers are familiar with him.

This week, as he took advantage of his country’s religious freedom a group of Christians surrounded him, started mocking him for drinking coffee, told him to go back to his country, and threw tiny crosses at his feet so that he’d have to bow down on them when he knelt down. Their courses of “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus” are sickening, as it seems they are no more Christ-like then the crowd who yelled for Jesus in front of Pilate.

This story was found at Christian Nightmares.

The Baptist White Lie Cake

clip_image001

Have you ever told a white lie to make others think better of you?

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa, but forgot to do it until the last minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix & quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack up for Scout camp.

When she took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured and she exclaimed, "Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake!"

This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.

She found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper.

She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect. And before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone & called her mom. Alice was horrified - she was beside herself! Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed!

All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at herand talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time. She did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP'd, she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old south and to Alice's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert!

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake! She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "what a beautiful cake!"

Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself.."

And Alice smiled and thought to herself and said, “God is good!”

 

Though I don’t think God had anything to do with this story, I found it funny. Thanks to my friend Don for sending it to me!

What’s Happening with God’s Power?

Gods power

Thanks to Jason Boyett

Who Gets Into Heaven

Leave it to The Squirrel’s friend John Shore to stir up the discussion again. Here is what he posted with this video on his blog and picked up by the Huffington Post:

The argument upon which Christians most commonly rely by way of "proving" that only Christians can get into heaven is John 14:6, where Jesus says, "No one comes to the Father except through me."

But do those words really mean what Christians want them to?

Join one of those conversations, or start one here.

 

Priceless Tattoo

Tattoo of Leviticus 18:22 that forbids homosexuality on your arm: $200.00

leviticustattoo Ignoring that Leviticus 19:28 forbids tattoos: Priceless

(found at Chad Crawford’s blog Splonk)

Pastor Dresses in Drag to give Announcements

What would inspire a pastor of the Vineyard Church in Boise, Idaho to dress up as Dana Carvey’s SNL character, The Church Lady? Could it be… SATAN?!

Life’s Problems? EASY! Select Jesus!

jesus_easy_button

Ya, I’m not thinking that is what Jesus said about us following him.

Here is what he told Ananias to comfort the recent convert Saul, who had been blinded during his conversion:

“I will show him how much he must suffer for my name.”

Acts 9-16

It was a right, solid prophecy. Here is a life recap later by Paul (who had changed his name):

I have worked much harder, been in prison more frequently, been flogged more severely, and been exposed to death again and again. Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one. Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was pelted with stones, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea, I have been constantly on the move. I have been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my fellow Jews, in danger from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the country, in danger at sea; and in danger from false believers. I have labored and toiled and have often gone without sleep; I have known hunger and thirst and have often gone without food; I have been cold and naked. Besides everything else, I face daily the pressure of my concern for all the churches. Who is weak, and I do not feel weak? Who is led into sin, and I do not inwardly burn?

2 Corinthians 11:23-29

Or how about this encouragement from Jesus to the man who wanted to follow him:

Jesus looked at him and loved him. “One thing you lack,” he said. “Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”

Mark 10:21

There isn’t much health and wealth gospel in this example either:

When Jesus saw the crowd around him, he gave orders to cross to the other side of the lake. Then a teacher of the law came to him and said, “Teacher, I will follow you wherever you go.”

Jesus replied, “Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.”

Matthew 8:18-20

Or in this focus on the family principle from Jesus:

Another disciple said to him, “Lord, first let me go and bury my father.”

But Jesus told him, “Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead.”

Matthew 8:21-22

There is something seriously wrong with this salvation marketing strategy. Not to mention that Jesus wouldn’t be caught dead in this shirt.

Hello 911? We have a Demon

time-to-call-911 What would you do if you thought your girlfriend was “going nuts”?

In Pennsylvania, one gentleman decided he could get help for his romantic interest by calling the local emergency number and requesting that the police send “two or three priests to do an exorcism on my girlfriend.”

Police did send an ambulance, but requested that the medics bring both of them to a local hospital for mental evaluation.

No one was charged, but Satan is blamed.

I Recognize This Man

If you’re eating Chick-fil-A are you eating Anti-Gay?

Dan Cathy Statement from Chick-fil-A on Vimeo.

No, just because the southern United States’ most famous chicken outlet feeds people working on their marriage doesn’t mean they are against the homosexual community. The Cathy is happy to feed Jesus chicken to anybody.

Chick-fil-A started their business in the Atlanta suburb of Hapeville, not Hateville.

(this post has been sponsored by Cowz. Eat Mor Chikin!)

Church Sign Resolution

church_signWhat does this even mean? Can you do something to get closer to Jesus or make Jesus get closer to you?

If so, please send this church your ideas because apparently they don’t think Jesus is close enough to them, but they are ready to do something about it.

Thank you.

Worship Fashion gone Secular

I saw a Christian T-shirt with this logo on the front promoting loud worship.

worship_tshirtSince Squirrels have been co-opting popular, secular brands and sayings for years now, this religious image is ripe for a rip off.

Here’s one!

worship_tshirt2 Now it’s your turn. Email me your submissions and I’ll add them to the post.

Boy George Returns Jesus

Boy George didn’t find Jesus in prison, but upon his release he decided to return him to Cyprus.

E8A970E9Former Culture Club star Boy George is planning to return a stolen icon of Jesus Christ to its rightful home after 26 years.

The 49-year-old singer bought the icon at a London art dealer in 1985 but didn't know where it had come from.

However the icon was stolen from the Church of Cyprus after the Turkish invasion and he is now planning to take it back to where it came from after keeping it safe for almost 30 years.

He said: 'I'm happy it is going back to its original, rightful home. I've always been a friend of Cyprus and have looked after the icon for 26 years.'

Many religious artifacts went missing from northern Cyprus after Turkey's invasion in 1974.

Monster’s & Critics website

In other news, after Culture Club, Boy George founded a band called, “Jesus Loves You” that featured lyrics about love, spirituality and equality of all human beings.

“Yes We Can!” = “Thank You Satan”

This ignorant poster took excerpts from Obama’s acceptance speech in Chicago and morphed it forwards and backwards to make it appear sinister.

Here is some of the commentary from the video

Because of have not been schooled in the phenomenon of speech reversals, it’s easy to dismiss it as too far-fetched.

Where exactly do you get your schooling for speech reversal?

If you think you hear words, or even if you just think others might actually hear words, give the possibility further consideration, for your own sake.

For my own sake? What the heck does that mean? I am in more danger from the 2nd donut I ate this morning than I am from this speech!

There is more to this than backwards spelling or backwards phonetics.

Yep, it is called fear-inducing, conspiracy obsessed, devil glorification. And you are the high priest.

In the backward masked charge from the Christian Band Petra in their song, Judas’ Kiss - “What are you looking for the devil for when you ought to be looking for the Lord?”

Thanks to my friend Tawna for sending me the link to the Obama speech.

If your Dog Eats your Bible Send him to Hell

pitbull bible Miriam Smith, a woman from South Carolina, discovered that her nephew’s Pit-Bull had been gnawing on her Bible. As this wasn’t the way she wanted her family to Feed on the Word or Digest the Scriptures she did what all sane people would do. She hung him from a tree with electrical cord and then burned the dead dog’s carcass before hiding it under a grass pile.

She told the authorities that due to its very unchristian-like behavior it was a “devil dog’ and worried that it would harm the neighborhood children. The authorities seemed more concerned about Mrs. Smith’s behavior and arrested her. She faces 6 months to five years in prison if she is convicted of animal cruelty. At least she will have some quality time to study her Bible.

Praying is for the Birds

Ya, a “bless me Christian” definitely taught this bird to pray.

If your pet prayed like you, what would they mimic?

Jesus Hates Obama Commercial

Fox has rejected a proposed Super Bowl ad from a conservative comedy site called JesusHatesObama.com.

Jesus, who doesn’t mind a good joke now and then also didn’t like the ad. “I couldn’t figure out what was supposed to be funny…” And remember, he knows everything.

Women Coping with Men who don’t go to Church

What are some the excuses your man has given you for not going to church with you?

Visit WWW.GetSavedMan.com to learn more!

Dryer Lint Last Supper

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How many loads of laundry do you have to wash to get enough lint to build a 14 foot replica of Leonardo Da Vinci’s famous painting, The Last Supper? Answer- it took Michigan’s Laura Bell over 1000 hours to create.

She told NPR in an interview that she took on this project having been lured by the $250,000 grand prize for an art contest. Sadly, she lost to a mural sized drawing titled "Cavalry, American Officers, 1921." NPR reports:

Her kids, she said, thought she was crazy when she started doing this, but then as the piece started to come together, they became believers.

No, not that kind of believers.

Click on the picture for a larger image

Awkward Questions about Jesus

Ever feel like you don’t have all the right answers?

How to Claim a Property for God

Do you want to run a cute little church in Massachusetts? Jessica does too! Her strategy consists of the following:

  1. Make a big thumbs up with both hands.
  2. Lay hands on the church.
  3. Pray
  4. Yell, “BLOOD OF JESUS!”
  5. Make a prophetic snow angel
  6. Move to the next side of the building and pose for pictures in faith like you are already the pastor.

I can’t make too much fun of Jessica. I’ve done hand laying and promise claiming on a couple of buildings in my day too. In one case the building miraculously became a church. In the other the building was bulldozed to the ground.

Lose Weight With Rick Warren

rick_warren You too can lose weight on the Purpose Driven Diet!

The Daniel Plan, based on the prophet Daniel who chose healthy eating instead of the king's rich foods, is a yearlong, churchwide program to help the Saddleback parishoners get physically healthier. Here are the details as published by The Christian Post.

"The Bible says that God wants you to be as healthy physically as you are spiritually," said Warren in a video announcing the event. "The plan will help you feel better, look better, have more energy, get in shape, and use your body the way God wants you to."

Obesity is a growing epidemic in the U.S., said Warren, who cited statistics showing 76 percent of Americas are overweight. His church is not excluded from the figure. Last fall, he noticed that during a baptism service of more than 800 people that most of them were overweight.

There’s nothing like seeing 800 of your good sized parishioners in their bathing suits to decide that your church needs to go on a congregational diet.

The megachurch pastor promised to commit to the program, revealing that he has gained 3 pounds each year during his 30 years at Saddleback.

"I can't ask you to get healthy if I won't," he said.

The fitness plan is part of Saddleback's Decade of Destiny, the church's spiritual growth and expansion plan for the next 10 years. The Daniel Plan's launched on January 15 at 8:30 a.m. local time.

What wasn’t mentioned in the live simulcast was that Daniel’s diet was actually based on Jewish food regulations, and not about the calorie content in the pork ribs. Daniel decided to go on a vegetable and water diet only, which is far stricter than what Rick Warren’s plan calls for.

While Warren has promised to lose 90lbs in this fitness plan, the Squirrel thinks he should be held accountable to the diet by threatening to throw him to Daniel’s lions if he fails.

The Biblical Reason the Birdies and Fishies are Dying

According to Prophetess Cindy Jacobs, when a nation makes decisions against God’s principles the result is occurrences of natural disasters.

This video raises some important questions:

  • Are the blackbird murders in Arkansas tied to the DADT repeal?
  • Are blackbirds a sign of homosexuality?
  • Who dresses Cindy Jacobs?

Come Together?

I don’t think this video makes either Jesus or The Beatles very happy.

Found at JesusNeedsNewPR